All the single ladies

Yesterday I had a lunch meeting with a consultant in a fairly empty pan-Asian restaurant. Our server was a frumpy-ish, middle-aged woman who clearly thought she had better things to do than her job.

It was obvious that our lunch was focused on a workplace discussion, since we were throwing around words like "executives," "factories" and "ridiculous." Our server, however, insisted on foisting the day's Hallmark holiday on us and greeted us by saying, "Happy Valentine's Day!" with a big frown on her face. "I guess when you're single like us," she continued, "you have to work on Valentine's."

I guess I missed the memo. Who knew I was free to take yesterday off?

Date night fail

I'd taken it upon myself to come up with a Sunday date activity for Puppy and me and I came up woefully short. My big idea was to get outside in the sun and learn a bit of SF history by following a stairway walk, but that idea was vetoed by Puppy, who was already basking in the sunshine at the park and had already done his exercises for the day.

So, my idea was simply to go to dinner at a restaurant recommended by 7x7 magazine and a host of other folks online and in the real world. We ended up in the foggy Sunset neighborhood, circling around for parking and finally finding a spot right across from the no-frills Chinese food restaurant we aimed for.

Even though it was early, it was absolutly packed with people, loud, busy people inhaling their food. There were dozens of people waiting for tables as well, but we were lucky enough to snag one of the handful of seats available for waiting patrons.

One couple entered the restaurant, a heavyset lady and her male friend with one good eye and one eye gone horribly wrong. Perhaps this busted eye is what led him to wear the acid-wash, pegged jeans from circa 1985. That, however, is neither here nor there. The lady asked one of the others waiting for a table what the difference was between the restaurant where we found ourselves and the Chinese restaurant across the street. The one with no one occupying any of the tables. "Is the food any different?" she posited. And even though I'd never been to either restaurant, I was willing to wager that the food at one restaurant is considerably better than the food at the other, simply based upon the fact that one was packed and the other empty. But what do I know.

We ended up having an above-average meal, featuring tasty dumplings, pot stickers and some interesting and delicious chicken wings. But it was clear that Puppy had hoped for a restaurant of a different, more refined, atmosphere. And I'll be sure to keep this in mind when I next choose a restaurant for date night.

Top notes of desperation with base notes of failure

Jessica Simpson has a new perfume called "Fancy Love" in stores now!

If I were marketing a perfume, and somehow contractually obliged to use Jessica Simpson as its spokesperson, I would not include the word "love" in its name. Given her track record of divorce, a recent dumping and John Mayer, she may not be the best embodiment of the concept of "love."

Also, the ad! It makes me LOL.

Candyland nuptials

Last night, I went as Puppy's guest to a wedding in the Presidio. We weren't invited until very recently, but we managed to make time to attend the event.

It was a lovely wedding, with a Jesus-filled ceremony and a "bridesman" and a "groomsmaid" in the party. The reception was a lively affair and featured a bar with beautiful glass jars of different candies. There were jelly beans, gumdrops, gummi bears and smarties, all available for guests to scoop into cute little red boxes. There was also a kids' table with games, cameras, coloring materials and kid-friendly meals, which kept all the little ones occupied.

Our "waitress," however, left a lot to be desired. She was a confused older lady who had to circle our table at least four times to understand which entree options we'd each chosen. Even though they were clearly marked on our table cards, she couldn't understand our meal orders, so I was pleasantly surprised when my beef actually showed up in front of me.

But, really, who am I to complain? It was a fun Saturday night and I returned home with a fistful of smarties!

Farewell my concubine

Puppy and I were enjoying a nice dinner last night with two of my friends from grad school when we were interrupted by a neighboring diner who tapped my friend on his shoulder and asked to learn Puppy's name. This fellow, a shrill little Asiatic fellow with a fugly trucker hat and white-framed plastic sunglasses, let Puppy know that he was very cute.

As we left the restaurant, he stopped Puppy and reiterated how cute he thought he was, when his friend asked if I was his boyfriend. We answered in the affirmative, then the little man pointed at me and said, "He past boyfriend. I future boyfriend!"

I thought that was a bit forward and rude while Puppy enjoyed the attention. He suggested that our dining friend become his concubine and I made it clear that I would allow no such thing.

To the dogs

The Communist's wedding on Saturday was a very fun affair. It was a gorgeous day and the winery where the ceremony and reception were held was the perfect venue.

The ceremony lasted all of 10 minutes, with explicit instructions to hit the bar afterward. So we did. Very early in the day. This would explain why, a few hours later, I found myself "wedding drunk" on the bus back into town before 10pm.

But between the time that the ceremony concluded and the moment I ushered myself away, there were a few choice moments, like:

* When the band played "Don't Stop Believin'" and everyone belted out the song in unison.
* The spontaneous mosh pit and crowd surfing.
* The discovery that one of the attendant dogs had taken a bite out of the wedding cake. The evidence? Two dirty paw prints on the white table linens.
* When the same dog, blind due to cataracts, was gently nudged by a car and scampered out of the way.

It was a fun, festive occasion and a nice little weekend getaway!

Black tie optional

I wish that, before I had dressed in a tuxedo with a snazzy silver bow tie and cummerbund, that TexyLady explained to me that "black tie optional" in Texas really means that every man wears suits. Puppy and I were the only boys - besides the wedding party and the staff - who wore tuxedos to the wedding affair.

But it was a really nice ceremony and a fun reception that featured songs like "Sweet Caroline" and "Pour Some Sugar on Me." It was nice to meet TexyLady's main squeeze and to catch up with some of my friends from graduate school. We ate some tasty food, celebrated the love between the couple of the evening and chatted with very kind strangers.

Puppy and I cut out before the end to hit some of the Dallas gay bars where people were confused by our penguin attire. In fact, at one bar, some folks thought we misunderstood the date of next week's black tie fundraiser and dressed up a week early.

We went to the circuity bar, the divey bar and the country western bar where I was pleased to see cowboy hats and boots. But then Puppy got a case of some overwhelming hiccups so it was time to put him to bed.

Wistful wedding

I just returned from Linda's wedding, which was held in a little chapel and the Fox Chapel Golf Club in Pittsburgh. It was a shmancy affair and the couple could not have ordered up a more beautiful day, weather-wise.

We ate, drank, danced, drank, reminisced, drank, made new friends, danced and drank our way through the night. It was a beautiful affair and Reebs, Dickinator and I thought about the next time we'd all be back together. Dickinator and I decided that we should either take some time to celebrate our birthdays in a warm locale with everyone or we should get married together and just have a big party with all our friends.

I'm sad that the wedding is over, because it's been very fun catching up with all my friends, but I do think it's time for me to return home. I'm especially excited that I bought a new plane ticket with my miles so that I don't have to make a trip from Pittsburgh to Washington DC to Montreal to Chicago to San Francisco. Instead of traveling all day tomorrow, I'm going from Pittsburgh to Denver to home, sweet home!

Matrimonial merriment

Thanks to Franny's marriage celebration, I enjoyed a little escape from the city this past weekend. Puppy and I drove out into the 'burbs for a really lovely party in the hills.

The Swerve was mostly there (except for Jillian and BFJ, who were both sorely missed) and it was sort of startling to see all the new babies together in one place! All of my friends were much braver than I, shacking up in the rustic youth hostel for the weekend while I decided to stay in my parents' home, a mere 5 minutes away.

The party was very nice, with lots of terrific food and wine, spirited conversation, fond reflection and reminiscing and heartfelt toasts. Even though the party's setting is less than an hour away from the city, it seemed like an entirely different world, with its campgrounds, the surrounding mountains and the clear, star-filled night sky. It was great to see almost everyone in one place, but it was too short-lived. I'm definitely looking forward to the next excuse for us to all assemble. Maybe when Jillian's baby is born?

Weekend wedding

Yesterday I went up to Marin for Easy's wedding. It was a scorchingly hot day and I was sort of tempted to just stay put in the city and enjoy the scantily clad homos in the sun. But my better judgment kicked in and I drove up to the Marin Art and Garden Center for the festivities.

It was a gorgeous ceremony and it was so personal to the couple. One of their close friends officiated and their vows were very reflective of each other. It was also a great opportunity to see Speedy, who came from New York to attend the wedding and to see Easy's siblings, Granny and Rausch.

As all weddings should, Easy's wedding was stocked with all sorts of liquor (margaritas were the signature drink) and the food was delicious. Most impressive was the very nice cake - each tier was a different flavor! Personally, I enjoyed the chocolate section.

When the official wedding reception ended and everyone headed over to the "after-party," I drove back home so that I could resist the temptation of the drink. I'd remained a sober panda because the last thing I need right now is a DUI...

Dear yenta

While flipping through the local paper, I came across a section called "matrimonials" where singles post classified ads in the hope of finding a husband or wife. Here's a sampling:

WANTED MBA boy based in India highly placed pref. Consulting/IBank FR. B'ful, slip, fair, 24/155, NM, convent Edu. MBA girl working MNC (7 fig. slry) frm Gurgaon based well estb Singhal fmly.

DELHI Sikh Software Engineer Working in Top Indian MNC 28 yrs/5'9" Salary RS 17 Lakhs Per Year Girls should be Beautiful

In addition to the "seeking grooms" and "seeking brides" ads, there's a section called "marriage bureau" where matchmakers offer their services, some specializing in divorcees and others in widowers.

Marriage clearly is an important cultural institution here in India. Women wear a bindi on their foreheads to announce their married status and I personally have been asked numerous times whether or not I'm married since my own arrival.

One of my co-workers told me the story of how he and his wife were married in secret for more than one year because they came from different castes and neither family approved of the union. During this time, each of the couple's parents tried to match them with appropriate spouses, but they obviously resisted. Their weeks were spent apart, but on one day each weekend they could spend time as a couple. Finally, both sets of parents relented and they are planning a proper wedding ceremony.

Another co-worker described the stress his family felt around setting his brother up with a girl to be married. They'd met recently and over the next few weeks each of the couple's family would meet each other. The marriage is happening next month, after only a few weeks' "courtship period."

You cock-blocked McLovin

Last night, after watching Superbad (a much more enjoyable movie with friends than with your parents, and a reminder of how Michael Cera is a hot comedic genius), PorkChop, Blanca, BritDJ and I braved the rains and headed out to get our drink on.

It was a surprisingly good crowd, considering the wretched weather. We ogled bar patrons, danced a bit, told fables of past hook ups and commented on the go-go dancers.

Earlier, I had been texting a very anxious young man whom I had met last week in LA. It seems he lives in Davis and was hoping for a little panda-loving during his weekend visit in San Francisco. But I'm sort of a tricky bastard and told him I was going to be one place, when in fact we were in a different part of town altogether.

Imagine my surprise when I relayed this to Blanca and he said he was doing the same thing with one of his current love interests! Is this something all people do? Or are my friends and I particularly despicable people?

Online dating

The other night, while Selives and I were refusing to go to sleep, he pulled out his computer and started "chatting" with potental paramours online. He decided that he needed to make himself sound more appealing, so he may have suggested to one person that he was on the cusp of becoming an attorney. When asked to explain why he was up so late, Selives responded:

"This legal stuff keeps me up at night. One often ponders what his briefs contain."

Despite the fact that I told him his response made no sense, he pressed "send." And I went home. Is this love in the information age?

Three's company

Last night at the bar we witnessed a true trainwreck. Two hideous men were getting all hot and heavy on a bench - furiously making out, hands all over each other, inside and outside of pants. Everyone was staring because it was far too early to be that drunk. One of the lovebirds was aproximately 200 years old, 4'5" tall, with the face of a rat and somehow physically handicapped. His paramour was probably in his early 20s with a mop of shaggy hair, a strangely large lower lip and a comfortable belly.

The two would be passionately embracing, then suddenly stop and walk away from each other, then they would resume with vigor. At one point, they were leaning against another bar patron, a be-suited man who appeared to be in his thirties. The suit politely tapped the younger man on the shoulder and informed him that they seemed on the brink of having sex against his side. The couple appeared to apologize, straightened up, then went back to their loving.

Suddenly, we noticed that the young half of the couple was passionately making out with the suit! We all screamed and laughed, and watched until the old man returned to re-claim his younger friend. Meanwhile, the suit looked on forlonly.

It truly was a spectacle.

Mating call

Internets, I wish I had an audio file of last night when Selives exclaimed, "I NEED A BOYFRIEND!" followed by a falsetto "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Or maybe a video clip of when he was singing, grabbed my arm, and dropped to the floor, causing me to trip over his limp body.

Like sands through the hourglass

Last night I got to witness firsthand the soap opera that is Blanca's life. It all began innocently enough as a casual Thursday night out with Blanca and GarGar, and actually, it ended pretty innocently as well, but the evil machinations of the younger gay set were on full display.

Blanca has recently been enamored with a young man who's been part of the SF homo social scene since he was a wee pup of 18 years. Now all of 21 (or 22 according to some reports), he is among the familiar faces in the 'stro and he and Blanca have been "hanging out."

Meanwhile, another youngster, and close "friend" of Blanca's paramour, has been surreptitiously exchanging flirtatious text messages with Blanca, in the hopes of diverting Blanca's loving gaze toward himself.

So, all three actors in this dishy soap opera were present last night, and I just kicked back and watched the secret flirtations, the knowing eye contact and Blanca juggling the eager courtship of his two young friends. It was just like watching a well-scripted reality television show. Just gayer. And drunker.

But really, who are these people that would covertly court their close friend's lovah? Are these gays simply too young and immature to realize that this is verboten? Or maybe their friendship really isn't that solid. In any case, I'm going to stay tuned to see what happens...

Two hearts that beat as one

Yesterday I drove up to wine country to attend my friends' nuptials. I've known this particular couple for about nine years, when we all worked together in Washington DC and when they embarked on a clandestine workplace affair.

It was a lovely lesbian wedding, complete with a drunk bride who made a cute toast where she proclaimed, "I'm so happy" approximately seven times and later made elephant noises at everyone on the dance floor.

It was also a wedding where one of the bride's entire family shot out of their chairs to boogie down to "Baby Got Back," apparently some sort of "family song."

I had the chance to reconnect with some old friends from business school who were also in attendance. Obviously, we were that table - the loud table with the unruly guests. Why am I always associated with the same type of crowd, no matter the occasion?

The ceremony and reception were very beautiful and personal. I wish I had decided to make a weekend of it and stay with the rest of the gang, but Panda!!!! wanted to conserve cash and make it back to the big city.