Leather panda

A few years ago when I missed Folsom Street Fair for an out of town wedding, a friend remarked, "Who schedules something over the last weekend in September? That's so rude! Don't they know it's a gay high holiday?"

Well, this year my calendar is conflict-free (save for a minor annoyance called work tomorrow morning) so I'm excited to head down to the fair in a few hours, after brunching with some of the boys.

If past years are any indication, this afternoon should bring sunshine, drunkenness, dancing in a cage and many sights that probably are best left unseen. I heart San Francisco!

Three's company

Last night at the bar we witnessed a true trainwreck. Two hideous men were getting all hot and heavy on a bench - furiously making out, hands all over each other, inside and outside of pants. Everyone was staring because it was far too early to be that drunk. One of the lovebirds was aproximately 200 years old, 4'5" tall, with the face of a rat and somehow physically handicapped. His paramour was probably in his early 20s with a mop of shaggy hair, a strangely large lower lip and a comfortable belly.

The two would be passionately embracing, then suddenly stop and walk away from each other, then they would resume with vigor. At one point, they were leaning against another bar patron, a be-suited man who appeared to be in his thirties. The suit politely tapped the younger man on the shoulder and informed him that they seemed on the brink of having sex against his side. The couple appeared to apologize, straightened up, then went back to their loving.

Suddenly, we noticed that the young half of the couple was passionately making out with the suit! We all screamed and laughed, and watched until the old man returned to re-claim his younger friend. Meanwhile, the suit looked on forlonly.

It truly was a spectacle.

OMG! C U L8R!

Some texts I received during the course of last night (not in any particular order, punctuation preserved):

"Going home if I dont hear from you soon"

"Who's that tall mess that works at [local watering hole] that hit on me at [another local watering hole]? You warned me about him."

"Did you just honk at me 3 hours ago?"

"Im the only white person in here other than the staff and i have creepy mexicans all over me"

"NIDRIL!"

"Get his number hes fun"

"The customer you are trying to text is temporarily out of service. Msg 2110"

Let the kids play

Last night, as I was enjoying my new guilty pleasure Gossip Girl, I realized that I was bouncing along, loving the storyline and completely sucked into the evil machinations of Upper East Side trollops when *BAM* I suddenly became bored.

It was a very jarring experience, to go from total engrossment to total indifference. It was such a jolt, in fact, that it made me wonder what had happened. And then I realized what went wrong. The scene had none of the kids!

The parents on this show are so dull. I just don't care about their storylines. Show more kids! More back-biting! More high school power struggles! Panda!!!! wants to pretend the parents don't exist.

Revenge of the nerds

Panda!!!! is totes enjoying the new fall television season, with new shows like Gossip Girl and the return of old faves like Heroes. But in the past few days, I've gotten excited for two shows that seem eerily familiar.

Chuck is an hour-long comedy that I already knew I'd like, thanks to its central storyline about a twenty-something geek surrounded by loser but lovable sidekicks who works in a dead-end job in a big box chain store, then suddenly finds himself destined for something greater when fate suddenly intervenes on his birthday.

Last night, I watched the premiere of Reaper, an hour-long comedy about a twenty-something geek surrounded by loser but lovable sidekicks who works in a dead-end job in a big box chain store, then suddenly finds himself destined for something greater when fate suddenly intervenes on his birthday.

While Chuck's destiny is changed due to some computer/national security snafu, Reaper's Sam becomes a soulless bounty hunter for the devil. What is it about the down-and-out nerd who's plucked for greatness that television audiences identify with? Why do we want the dorky kid to overcome impossible obstacles and save the world/get with the hottie? Does this all-too-familiar trope somehow give us hope that we too can catapult beyond our quotidian existence to a higher purpose?

It's too early to claim one show as better than the other (I really liked both) and I think they can evolve in different directions, but I'm really glad to see Ray Wise (the devil in Reaper, and formerly Leland Palmer from Twin Peaks) and Missy Peregrym (the impossibly beautiful store clerk in Reaper and formerly that gymnast girl in the movie Stick It - "Who died and made you Nadia?") on my Tuesday night television slate.

What about party at the Skull?

If you didn't attend my alma mater, you probably won't find this ditty to be as amusing, accurate, relevant or nostalgic as Panda!!!! does. If you did, you will probably be flooded with memories and unable to stop laughing.

Party pooper

Sometimes my gym fancies itself as more of a nightclub than a place of fitness. Tonight, for example, when I walked in the entrance for my workout, I was greeted by tables of hors d'oeuvres, fully stocked bars, a DJ and some models, waiting around for their outfits to arrive. Apparently, there was to be a fashion show in the middle of the workout floor.

I guess in theory it sounds cool, to bring a little New York or Los Angeles nighttime chic to the dull and ordinary gym. It also apparently entices potential new members to take a tour and perhaps start shelling out some hard-earned cash to work out amongst the "glamour."

Unfortunately, I'm not entirely comfortable working out with dozens of people in their cocktail finest strolling through the gym floor, drinks in hand. I'm averse to the loud music the DJ plays, I find the smells of the hors d'oeuvres to be distracting and I resent the dirty looks I get from the models whose paths I'm apparently blocking while trying to do curls. Consequently, I rushed through my workout to get the hell out as quickly as possible.

I guess I'm just an old-fashioned panda, but I tend to go to the gym to work out.

Quarantine

Panda!!!! is back at The Corporation today, after spending another day on the couch. It kills me to use my time off being sick instead of frolicking someplace sunny with my friends. I feel so utterly unproductive and worthless, not to mention sick!

While I was on my couch, I kept thinking that I should try to do something useful with my time off. I should have been vacuuming, paying my bills, cleaning my closet, cleaning my bathroom, cleaning anything, replying to old e-mails, blogging, buying groceries, getting a haircut, dropping off clothes at the dry cleaner...

Instead, I watched television (some crappy, some good) and fell in and out of sleep. I also barely ate, so at least I'm feeling a bit on the skinny side!

Crystal ball

Internets, I've peered into the future and have an inkling of what my life will be like in a few decades. You see, a bunch of us traveled through the pouring rain to Blanca's mom's house in California's central valley on Saturday for a weekend of revelry with Blanca's mom, sister and adorable nephew. We had the time of our lives, kicking back on the porch, fixing cocktails, reminiscing and preparing a delicious meal.

We were joined by two of Blanca's mother's friends - two wonderfully boisterous, fun and lovely ladies who seemed just as hell-bent on having a good time as we were. In the trio of ladies, I saw the future of our little gang. A never-ending stream of laughter, livers of steel, a penchant for marginally off-color jokes and an appreciation for a good time spent among friends and making the most of the moment.

And much like the occasions I spend with my friends, the time spent together by these three women were punctuated by shattered wine glasses, moments of unbalance caused by dangerously high, yet fierce heels, outrageous make-up and unintelligible "sentences."

If this is what my future holds, sign me up!

Panda illin'

It's been an exhausting and fun weekend, but I fear I may have overdone it. Panda!!!! is all warm and achy and unmotivated to do much. I'm spending the rest of my night swaddled in warm blankets and in front of the television.

Mating call

Internets, I wish I had an audio file of last night when Selives exclaimed, "I NEED A BOYFRIEND!" followed by a falsetto "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Or maybe a video clip of when he was singing, grabbed my arm, and dropped to the floor, causing me to trip over his limp body.

You're still in the running to become...

Eden's Crush will be disappointed to learn that, instead of watching "Gossip Girl," I set my DVR to record it while I went to dinner with Bill Paxton and GarGar.

It was a lovely dinner where we invoked the spirit of our erstwhile dining companion, Gerbil. And we nearly got attacked by a band of wild raccoons, but that's another matter.

Anyhoo, upon returning to my apartment, instead of going to bed like a good and sensible panda, I decided to watch the cycle premiere of America's Next Top Model.

What a mess! One girl was named "Spontaniouse" but fortunately, she didn't make it to the top 13.

Baby I got your money

One of the things I hate about The Corporation is that our information systems seem to be stuck in the year 1998. I'm surprised I don't access e-mail from Telnet and "finger" other users on the system. Remember that? It's a miracle if my computer turns on in under 10 minutes and I sometimes wonder if I'll need to find a store of floppy disks to get my work done.

In my mind, one of the most frustrating and archaic systems is the "iExpense" system by Oracle. Any time I spend money on behalf of The Corporation - whether it's through the company card or cash - I have to reconcile the expense in this godawful system.

It is the least intuitive system ever and I feel like I have to re-learn how it works every single time I enter my expenses. Doing my expenses takes anywhere from an hour to a day, depending on whether or not I have foreign currency charges and how many expenses I have to enter. Moreover, I understand this is an improvement over the last system!

It's only because Panda!!!! wants to be reimbursed for his expenditures that he puts up with the madness!

Gimme gimme more

Over a brief text exchange about beleaguered pop princess Britney Spears, SameBrain expressed concern that "they" were going to take her babies away from her. Inspired by a recent post by Gleemonex, I responded that she probably should eat her imperiled children, like a mother hamster who eats the babies she fears will not survive.

SameBrain suggested that she wash them down with Red Bull.

Couch panda

I did as Beyonce ordered and I upgraded! Panda!!!! traded in the old cable box for a DVR-capable one! And dare I say it, 'twas remarkably easy to install. I may never leave my couch again.

All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights

One of the things I like most about my work at The Corporation is the opportunity to discuss issues that go beyond the typical realm of corporate dialogue. Sure, I enjoy a hearty discussion about sales, profits, budget forecasting, internal hurdle rates and the rest, but I find myself more engaged when we discuss the impact that our business operations have on people, communities, economies and the environment.

These discussions are made even richer when we invite a diversity of perspectives from outside The Corporation, and even outside the corporate world.

Today, we are hosting a meeting at The Corporation where we've been discussing the duty of companies to respect universal human rights, as defined by international norms such as the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. To sit in a room full of executives from around the world, former heads of state, special representatives to the UN and other leaders in both the private and public sectors is sort of a luxury. To think that The Corporation allows me to participate in an ongoing dialogue originally started by Eleanor Roosevelt is also kind of cool.

Totally tubular

This week brings a new season of television into Panda!!!!'s life! As I mentioned, I'm very excited for Gossip Girl, which premieres on Wednesday, right after the kickoff of America's Next Top Model, cycle 47!

Last week, on my flight home from Chicago, the plane screened a sneak preview of NBC's new show Chuck. And I loved it! It had elements of The Office, Alias and Ugly Betty and left me wanting more (mostly because the plane landed before the episode finished).

I really do need to invest in a TiVo!

She's terrible

Ew. Jen Bunney. These re-runs I'm watching reinforce her idiocy. Trust.

Well, at least I didn't miss Lauren

So, last night Babs took me to Here Lounge and I ran into several friends from SF and DC. While I was re-connecting with a former San Franciscan, I received a text from Babs exclaiming that "Heidi" was at Here. Well, I didn't really believe him because a) he doesn't watch television and b) he doesn't notice girls when he's out.

So, I continued to chat with my friend, then leisurely made my way back to the corner where Babs was hanging out. Well, as I walked through, the crowd was all a-twitter that Heidi from "The Hills" had just been at Here (sans Spencer!). Babs's more TV-versed friend told me that Heidi had indeed been at Here and I quickly made several rapid laps around the bar to see if I could catch a glimpse of Montag's phony boobies.

Sadly, her visit was very short-lived and I missed out on seeing the evil villain of "The Hills." At least I didn't miss Lauren. That would have been tragic.

Celeb sighting: My So-Called Life

Last spotted by Panda!!!! in Sandy Eggo, Wilson Cruz seems to be one of the celebs I spot most often. Last night, he was enjoying the company of several handsome men at Here Lounge while Babs and I were making the WeHo rounds.

Celeb sighting: Queer Eye

Maybe my LA visit has been sponsored by Bravo's reality TV division? Last night at the Abbey, I spotted one of the "Fab 5" from Bravo's makeover show "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." It was Jai Rodriguez, who I believe was in charge of "culture." I'm not really sure what he did or if he did it well, but he looked like he was enjoying his drinkie!

Celeb sighting: Boy Meets Boy

Back in 2003, Bravo aired a dating show called "Boy Meets Boy" where the unfortunate protagonist had to choose a soulmate from a houseful of boys, some gay and some straight. It was sort of sad watching poor James agonize over whom to pick, when half the contestants were not ever going to return James's affection.

Anyway, one of the contestants, Brian, appears to be a bartender at a West Hollywood bar. At least I think it was him...

Like a virgin

Panda!!!! is in Los Angeles, visiting Babs and enjoying the hot weather and the hot LA citizens.

I flew down on the newly unveiled Virgin America, a discount airline with pink and purple mood lighting, a variety of in-flight entertainment, black leather seats and the ability to text message other passengers.

It would have been nice to take advantage of all the bells and whistles, but I was too tired and slept through the entire flight. Oh well, maybe tomorrow on the return trip...

Like sands through the hourglass

Last night I got to witness firsthand the soap opera that is Blanca's life. It all began innocently enough as a casual Thursday night out with Blanca and GarGar, and actually, it ended pretty innocently as well, but the evil machinations of the younger gay set were on full display.

Blanca has recently been enamored with a young man who's been part of the SF homo social scene since he was a wee pup of 18 years. Now all of 21 (or 22 according to some reports), he is among the familiar faces in the 'stro and he and Blanca have been "hanging out."

Meanwhile, another youngster, and close "friend" of Blanca's paramour, has been surreptitiously exchanging flirtatious text messages with Blanca, in the hopes of diverting Blanca's loving gaze toward himself.

So, all three actors in this dishy soap opera were present last night, and I just kicked back and watched the secret flirtations, the knowing eye contact and Blanca juggling the eager courtship of his two young friends. It was just like watching a well-scripted reality television show. Just gayer. And drunker.

But really, who are these people that would covertly court their close friend's lovah? Are these gays simply too young and immature to realize that this is verboten? Or maybe their friendship really isn't that solid. In any case, I'm going to stay tuned to see what happens...

My plate overfloweth

One of the benefits of being on the road in Chicagoland is the opportunity to dine with old pals. Last night Panda!!!! met up with Eden's Crush, Texy Lady, Lens and her hubby, Chembot for a lovely and large dinner at one of those chain restaurants that serves a trough of food per person.

With entree names like Lens's "macho salad" and my ginormous double pork chop with cornbread-sausage stuffing and a blob of purple, later identified as cabbage, it's no wonder Americans are so ... large.

We talked about old friends, new jobs, Rosh Hashanah, Chicago winters, work conferences, method cleaning products and people who dine with bluetooth devices in their ears.

Even though these visits are few and far-between and much too brief, it was great catching up with my old pals and gorging myself on cornbread-sausage stuffing!

Business baby

I'm currently at a conference, focused on corporate social responsibility, where a good 65 percent of the attendees appear to be over the age of 40. This strikes me as somewhat odd because everyone claims that CSR is an emerging business discipline and that there aren't many companies fully dedicating resources to hiring CSR professionals. If that's the case, where are all these seasoned businesspeople in the field coming from?

And it's such a rah-rah conference where everyone is excited about how the field is growing and that more and more companies are integrating CSR into their operations and that we're "trailblazers."

I feel like a wee bairn, compared to all these industry "veterans" yet I feel like I have just as much experience to offer. It's a weird feeling and I'm going to hang out with the youth.

Prophylactic phashion

Wang sent me this very interesting story. I love the bubbles!

Models parade in outfits made of condoms during a fashion show at the 4th China Reproductive Health New Technologies & Products Expo in Beijing July 11, 2007. Condoms of all shapes and sizes were used to make dresses, hats and even lollipops. Models fought through extravagant soap bubble special effects to show off tight-fitting wedding gowns, scaly-looking evening dresses, outrageous bikinis and other garments made entirely of condoms. The show was held at the Fourth China Reproductive Health New Technologies and Products Expo and organized by China's largest condom manufacturer, Guilin Latex Factory, to promote the use of condoms in the fight against HIV/AIDS. It also marked World Population Day, organized annually by the U.N. Population Fund.

Morning practice

Panda!!!! just returned from an early (for me) morning workout at le gym. I can't believe I used to get to the pool at 5:30am while in high school, work out for an hour and a half, then return for several more hours after school. No wonder I was such a skinny little cub!

I must admit that it feels nice to have the workout part of my day dunzo, but the problem I face is that I cannot stop sweating for about an hour after my workout. Thus, going into the office would be unpleasant for everyone around me and unkind on my part.

Fortunately, I'm off to the airport today - heading to the midwest for a little worky conference.

Stupid counterprogramming

Internets! I learned today that two of the fall TV-season's most intriguing-looking new shows (at least to Panda!!!!) will be competing against each other in the Wednesday at 9pm timeslot!

On NBC, we have the Bionic Woman


Meanwhile, over on the CW, we have Gossip Girl

Panda!!!! needs a TiVo.

You're a pal and a confidante

Yesterday I had the pleasure of brunching al fresco with Gloria Estefan at a lovely Italian restaurant near my hometown. I indulged in a delicious shrimp and avocado omelette and a champagne cocktail.

Along with Bullet Tosser, Gloria Estefan is one of my oldest and dearest friends. Plus, she is one of the speediest swimmers I have ever met (and I've met my fair share of speedy swimmers).

I love that I have friends with whom I can share everything that's going on in my life after months have passed - and we pick up right where we left off. We can vent about work, discuss future aspirations, gossip about mutual acquaintances and discuss important topics like The Hills.

And maybe most importantly, Gloria Estefan can inadvertently guilt me into thinking about returning to the pool. Panda!!!! needs to start swimming those lbs. away!

But they keep coming from wall to wall

The mess that was MTV's Video Music Awards last night did have one saving grace: Chris Brown's amazing performance! MTV unfortunately won't let me embed the video, but you can see it here.

Filthy gorgeous

After months and months, I finally took my car, Flora, for a car wash. I took her to one of those assembly-line deals that employs hundreds of people, furiously driving vehicles through machinery and toweling off each car with care and a bottle of generic windex.

I knew Flora was pretty dirty, since I do park on the streets of San Francisco and it had been quite a while since her last bath. But I guess I didn't realize just how dirty she was until this afternoon.

Per usual, they took Flora through the machine and passed her off to one of the towel ladies. Up on her stool, the little woman started to towel off my car, when she suddenly turned to the manager. They exchanged some words, then the manager hopped into my car and took it to another corner of the lot. The towel lady proceeded to hose down my car and to squirt soapy suds on it. Then, another man took the car through the car wash behemoth again.

I'd never seen them send a car through the machine twice before! Sorry Flora, please forgive me for your filthy state.

Two hearts that beat as one

Yesterday I drove up to wine country to attend my friends' nuptials. I've known this particular couple for about nine years, when we all worked together in Washington DC and when they embarked on a clandestine workplace affair.

It was a lovely lesbian wedding, complete with a drunk bride who made a cute toast where she proclaimed, "I'm so happy" approximately seven times and later made elephant noises at everyone on the dance floor.

It was also a wedding where one of the bride's entire family shot out of their chairs to boogie down to "Baby Got Back," apparently some sort of "family song."

I had the chance to reconnect with some old friends from business school who were also in attendance. Obviously, we were that table - the loud table with the unruly guests. Why am I always associated with the same type of crowd, no matter the occasion?

The ceremony and reception were very beautiful and personal. I wish I had decided to make a weekend of it and stay with the rest of the gang, but Panda!!!! wanted to conserve cash and make it back to the big city.

Celeb sighting: back to New York

One of the messier bar patrons I spotted out and about last night was Coral from Real World: Back to New York. Girl knows how to throw them back and gyrate against the boys!

Foux da fa fa

I love me some "Flight of the Conchords" and just saw an episode that featured this Frenchy video:

Baguette!

Slave 4 U

Why did I get all excited when "Gimme More" came on at the bar last night? The song's not even that good. I guess I'm just a loyal panda.

Promises promises

It appears that one of the Vallejo boys paid Beetle a little visit last night, drawn by promises of free libations. But when Beetle had the audacity to charge him for his drink, he grabbed Blanca, stormed out of the bar and told Blanca how pissed he was that he had to pay. Beetle, apparently, had forgotten that he promised some free booze in return for the Vallejo boy finding his sunglasses in the depths of the Russian River!

Beefy

Yesterday, one of our vendors treated us to a lovely lunch at one of my fave SF restaurants, an incomparable Vietnamese joint where I would gladly dine in an instant.

My personal favorite dish is the shaking beef: delicious tender nuggets of beef in a limey sauce that makes my gob water. I had some for lunch, some leftovers for dinner, and I want more!

Commuter check yo' self

Panda!!!! is among the thousands of commuters who take the San Francisco public transport system (the muni) to and from work every day. And every day it's sort of a crapshoot. Will I have to wait for 5 crowded trains to pass before I can get on? Will there be an empty train waiting for me? Will I get stuck for 30 minutes between stations? Will my commute take a happy 15 minutes? It's like gambling at 8:00, but fortunately I have my trusty Wall Street Journal to entertain me on most days.

Another form of entertainment is silently engaging with my fellow muni passengers. Two games often keep me occupied while waiting to get to my destination (or waiting for the train to start moving again):

Name That Tune: Certainly the game I play the most. With all those passengers wearing iPods and cranking the volume up, I often pass time wondering whether it's Madonna, Mozart or Metallica that's piping into their ears. It often helps if the passenger sings (and this is often the case).

Stare Them Down: On those occasions that I make eye contact with a passenger - a passenger with a certain predilection for staring, I try to see if I can make them break his or her gaze first. Usually, I get nervous and lose this game.

Besides the games, observing my fellow muni patrons and looking around the train often just makes me wonder:

"Why are there chicken bones on the floor?"
"What's that odor?"
"What is that liquid sloshing around on the plastic seat?"
"What could possibly be in that gigantic, oddly shaped case?"
"Why would you even consider wearing that?"
"Where did your teeth go?"

Ah muni, it's like a giant petri dish, growing different San Francisco cultures.

Luddite panda

Kitten alerted me to a four-question quiz on this week's episode of The Hills. Since I am such an astute Hills follower, I was certain that I would get a perfect score. Sadly, the quiz happens to concern technology, not a topic I'm so current with. Panda!!!! scored a measly 3 out of 4. 75 percent. Boo.

Vallay-hos

As I mentioned yesterday, while camping up in Guerneville, we met some boys from Vallejo and witnessed firsthand the tragedy of bridge-and-tunnel gays.

Now, I don't mean to come off as a condescending or elitist panda, but these characters were like none other that I've ever met and our groups couldn't be more dissimilar. Even one of the Vallejo boys commented on how different "city gays" were from the people he tended to interact with, but more on that later.

I guess it started on the river, where we were laughing and merry-making while buoyed by an inflatable mattress. Two skinny twenty-somethings were paddling rafts around and having fun in the sun, occasionally connecting to our raft and making small-talk with us.

At one point, Blanca pushed Beetle off the raft and Beetle's sunglasses were lost in the murky river waters. Yelling ensued. Blame was cast. Threats of full-priced drinks were made.

Fortunately, one of the Vallejo boys helped to avoid WWIII by finding the sunglasses with his prehensile toes! Beetle was incredibly grateful and thanked the lad, thus including him in our little coterie.

Mattress had returned to camp with a Mexican feast, which he laid out on our picnic table. Mahogany Sparkle, Mattress and I were merrily noshing while we waited for the others to arrived, when one Vallejo boy arrived and lingered by us.

In short order, we learned that ...

* He broke up with his boyfriend (whom he had known for two months) the previous night and kicked him out of camp before hitting the bars and losing his cell phone.
* He had been "in trouble" a year-and-a-half ago and spent two months in prison, taking the fall for his drug-dealing ex-boyfriend. Consequently, he faced weekly drug testing on Thursdays.
* He thought Blanca was cute, but felt that "city gays" acted more feminine than gays in Vallejo.
* In Vallejo, most gays were "straight-acting, wannabe gangsters" who wore baggy clothes and postured as gang members.
* He was not camping with friends, but instead was in the company of "associates."

Meanwhile, Mahogany Sparkle was muttering under his breath, rolling his eyes and watching as the boy from Vallejo continued to adjust himself inside and outside of his shorts. Eventually, the boy ate some of our food, offered some of his vodka, then returned to his "associates."

Later, when Mahogany Sparkle and I were enjoying the sun and some conversation about celebrities or something equally important, Vallejo boy's "associate" arrived and said, "Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure," I replied.

"How many times during a day do you guys laugh?" he asked.

"Huh?" I asked, not sure I had heard him correctly.

"How many times a day do you laugh?" he repeated.

Unsure of the true answer, I threw out the number 5,000. Mahogany Sparkle said he laughed a lot, partly because he thought it was a good workout for one's abdominals.

This response made the Vallejo associate laugh and, lifting up his tank top, giggled, "me too!" In doing so, he revealed a rash of ingrown hairs and razor burn, which made Mahogany Sparkle roll his eyes and mumble, "this ho..."

As he walked away, I asked why he was interested in the number of times we laughed daily and he responded, "Oh, it's just that I know a lot of people who don't laugh very much."

I am so not moving to Vallejo.

Is it Monday yet?

As I've blogged in the past, Monday night is 80s night at the local watering hole. So, to ease ourselves back into the work week, Blanca, ChickenHawk and I met up to visit Beetle and to sing songs from our collective youth.

Since we'd met on the early side, we did a bit of bar-bouncing before committing to the 80s. At one bar, Blanca was in the midst of telling us a story - a story about how Roommates A&J had just called to tell him that they were blaming him for their crackhead behavior. Apparently, Roommate A was hallucinating and Roommate J was beating his face in with open fists. I'm not exactly sure what was going on - and I'm not exactly sure what Blanca had to do with anything, but hopefully I'll get some more clarity soon.

Anyhoo, in the middle of the story, Blanca suddenly stopped, eyes wide as saucers and mouth agape. He grabbed my and ChickenHawk's shoulders and looked outside - completely shocked. We turned around and saw that there was a man wearing only a baseball cap and shoes, sauntering down the street! Yes, Internets, the man was nearly completely nude, walking casually down the street at approximately 10:00pm. As if this behavior was absolutely normal.

And shortly thereafter, we ended up hanging out with Beetle, bopping to 80s music. I'm pleased to say that the DJ played my song and I had the opportunity to yell the lyrics at the top of my lungs - with drunk Cumtroller yelling along. 'Twas a good Labor Day 2007.

Laborious day

Panda!!!! just returned home from a very fun long weekend of camping by the Russian River. Admittedly, Panda!!!! is not such an outdoorsy fella, but this wasn't exactly "roughing it." After getting a late start on Saturday morning, I went up with Mattress, Beetle, ChickenHawk, Blanca, Roommates A&J and Mahogany Sparkle to the quaint town of Guerneville, CA.

We set up our camp at a resort with access to the river, bathrooms and shower facilities, and proceeded to be the camp with the loudest, most boisterous, most fun patrons in the entire resort! There are far too many stories to relate at this moment, but some definite highlights include:

* Roommate J waking up covered in bruises from his battles with Mahogany Sparkle
* Mattress using a pomegranate and two key limes to create a camp mascot whom we named Pom de Replay
* Someone from a neighboring campsite yelling, "Will someone put a dick in her mouth to shut her the fuck up?!" because Mahogany Sparkle was much too loud at a fairly late hour
* Some pretty horrendous karaoke at one of the local watering holes
* Using ChickenHawk's hotel room facilities to shower
* Our buffets of Mexican food
* A nighttime heart to heart to heart to heart, hidden in a corner of one of our tents
* Blanca diving out the tent's doggy door
* Beetle wiping his booger on Blanca
* Mattress and Blanca singing to S Club 7's "I Never Had a Dream Come True" in wigs and heels
* Roommate J hollowing out a cucumber and creating using it as a chalice for vodka, thereby creating the cucumber-tini
* Some touched-in-the-head Vallejo boy asking about Blanca's position preferences in bed
* The Vallejo boy's "associate" asking Mahogany Sparkle and I how many times we laughed in a day because he knows people that don't laugh very much
* Lazing around on an inflatable mattress on the river
* Blanca saying, "But you don't even know what kind of frog it is!" when Beetle and Roommate J expressed concern that a spider might be poisonous
* The hostess of a diner calling Mahogany Sparkle "muscley"
* Mahogany Sparkle diving on Panda!!!! for no reason - with wild craze in his eyes

Internets, it was a truly great weekend and I'm exhausted and sun-kissed and my feet are filthy. I'm not eager to return to reality tomorrow, but I guess I have to earn some cash money to support adventures like these!