Spawn of

Satyana? When I read this morning that Alyson Hannigan named her baby daughter Satyana, I did a double-take because I originally read "Satan."

But it kind of made sense. The erstwhile Willow Rosenberg from Buffy the Vampire Slayer was, after all, a witch. And a lesbian. According to my friends the Christians, she probably isn't too far removed from Beelzebub himself.

Straight talk

Yesterday, I engaged in some drunken banter with my favorite straight bartender, trying to unravel the mysteries of the straight man's mind. And to do so, I ordered a mai tai - a drink I'd never thought to order before, mainly because I am usually not in a tropical climate. Sadly, the bar didn't have any paper umbrella adornments, so the bartender stuck three cherries into my straw.

So, I littered my sentences with "brah" and "dude" and stuck out my fist for the occasional terrorist fist jab. I brought up the topic of fake vs. real boobs and pontificated on collagen injections. We discussed the merits of bleached blonde bimbos and considered fish tacos.

But despite all my efforts, I failed to learn anything about how straight men operate, so I returned home to watch an episode of Toddlers & Tiaras.

Babies and puppies and cats, oh my!

Last night, Puppy and I attended a very adult dinner party at the home of one of my co-workers. In total, we were four couples, having a tasty feast of short ribs, green beans, cauliflower (I had no idea there was such a thing as purple cauliflower!), potatoes and a pavlova for dessert.

Two of the couples were straight with babies at home, and the host couple had a two-year old dog. Throughout the meal, we discussed our pets, babies and other domestic topics like cooking and watching Dallas on DVD. Had this dinner party taken place a year ago, I'm not sure I would have had anything to contribute to the conversation. Thank goodness I could regale the others with stories of my cat sleeping on my head.

It was a nice, calm evening and I enjoyed myself overall, but when did my Saturday nights become such a yawn-fest?

Celeb sighting: Porn

After work yesterday, I went to the bar to meet up with Roommates A&J and Mahogany Sparkle. What I didn't realize was that the various Castro bars were hosting "tailgate" parties for the porn stars in town for tonight's GayVN Awards (sorta like the gay porn version of the Oscars). Each bar hosted a party for a different production company, and the bar where we gathered was no exception.

Imagine my surprise when I popped in and ran into a half-dozen 'roided up, botoxed muscle men! Among the "celebrities" gathered there were giant Erik Rhodes and Roman Heart. All sorts of little gays were getting their photos taken with them and one group asked me to snap their pic with a disposable camera they'd procured hastily from the Walgreens next door.

Approximately three years ago, I ran into a younger, fresher-faced version of Roman Heart and thought he was one of the most beautiful men I'd ever seen. But last night, it was abundantly clear that years of living the porn star lifestyle haven't treated him kindly. Maybe it was the meth-ridden face or the puffed out lips. I think it was just that he looked dead in the eyes (Maybe he needs a Top Model lesson from Tyra.). In any case, it was kind of fun to see these fellows out, but I really did have more fun just being loud with my friends.

Making friends

Coming home from the gym last night, I took a seat on the muni, near the train's exit. At one stop, a very thin, very wasted young man came on board and flopped into a chair. As the train pulled into the next stop, he stood up, stumbled over to the exit, and leaned his shoulder against the pole.

The rest of his body, however, leaned past the pole and into my personal space. He stood there, staring at me, then meekly said, "Hi." Having been raised right, I said hello back, then he extended his hand in the limpest handshake offering I've ever seen.

"I'm Derek," he said. The two large Mexican girls next to me started giggling out of control and I wasn't sure what to do, so I shook his hand and told him my name. Then he kept leaning closer and closer, invading my personal space, in an attempt to kiss me! I grabbed his collarbone and held him at a distance, but this angered him and he grasped the pole and said, "I was just trying to be friendly. Have a good night, asshole!"

Then, the doors slid open and he slid out onto the platform. Since it was my stop too, I stayed a few paces behind him, watching him fishtail swerve back and forth. When he reached the stairs, he completely bit it and landed on his belly. As quickly as he could, he sat up on the steps, pulled out his phone and started texting. He clearly was trying to convince passers-by that he intended to sit on the steps, but no one was buying it. I took this as a golden opportunity to rush by him and head home.

Not the hard sell

I attended yet another vendor-hosted meeting on environmental sustainability today. Unlike the one I attended a few weeks ago, I wasn't overwhelmed by representatives of the host company and I got to catch up with a few friends from other companies.

Boringly, one of the presentations was exactly the same as the last one. The best part of today's session was that it was held at the California Academy of Sciences building, a facility I've wanted to explore since it opened last fall. Unfortunately, we were stuck in one room the entire time and I had to leave right after for another meeting. But I did walk away with tickets so that I can explore in the near future.

Otherwise, it was a nice excuse to spend time outside of the office, but I didn't learn a whole lot. And after all was said and done, I had to spend only 15 minutes with an account rep.

Finding religion

My co-worker recently returned from her honeymoon and I've noticed that she has taken to blessing people in the workplace.

For example, I overheard a conversation she had with the company that manages our corporate credit cards. When the representative was able to successfully resolve her issue, she declared, "God bless you and people like you!"

And earlier this week, when I helped her out on a small issue, she exclaimed, "God bless you!"

I'm not sure what caused this sudden religious fervor. Before her wedding, she spent much time complaining about the Catholic church and its restrictions which were keeping her from the wedding of her dreams. Now, she seems touched by God and eager to share her love of God with anyone who crosses her path.

Visitors

I learned today that ABC is trying to "re-imagine" the '80s series V, which was about lizard-like aliens who tried to take over Earth, disguised as humans. The mini-series and subsequent television show were both fascinating and frightening to me as a child and I remember being a fierce follower of its mythology.

From the creepy skin-peeling, the green blood, the eating of rodents and the quickly evolving "star child," the show's special effects spurred my young imagination fueled my and my friends' playground shenanigans. We imagined that we were either the dastardly aliens or the noble resistance fighters, but mostly we imagined that we were wearing red jackets with exaggerated shoulders and gray-tinted, oversized sunglasses.

I'm curious to see what the new series dreams up but I'm doubtful it will stand up to the holiest of all re-imagined series, Battlestar Galactica.

My economic stimulus idea

Last night I attended Hellenica's birthday party at her parents' San Francisco pied-a-terre. It was in a beautiful old building atop a hill with magnificent views of the Bay. And very thoughtfully, they hired a valet to park cars since parking can be a pain in that part of the city.

When the elevator opened directly into their unit, I was surprised to see a man wearing an oversized felt artist's hat. He apparently had been hired to draw caricatures of the guests as party favors.

And later, as I was in conversation with another party guest, a man walked up to us, rolled up his sleeves, and said, "Would you like to hear about my economic stimulus idea?"

Confused, we said that we would and he pulled out a wad of coupons. He babbled something about dropping coupons from the sky and inspiring Americans to support small businesses. And as he went through this idea, his coupons turned into cash, then back into coupons. My new friend was thoroughly confused, but I had been warned that there was a magician wandering the party, so I was better prepared.

Later, an a cappella singing group showed up to perform, which seemed nice, but again, a bit on the awkward side.

Clearly, this wasn't my typical party experience, but it was a nice gathering and since I was driving, I managed to not get too drunk or disorderly!

Glam pink heart

Will someone please give Lindsay Lohan a job so that she doesn't have to assault the public with this crap?

Open bar

Internets, I'm not a young panda anymore. In olden times, I was able to go out on a weeknight, drink heavily and function properly the next day. This doesn't seem to be the case anymore.

Last night, Q Bar hosted its grand opening party with a celebratory open bar for three hours. Of course, I was there to take advantage of the deal and to spend a rowdy Thursday night with my pals.

Puppy and I arrived nearly two hours into the party and the place was packed full of sweaty folks who were already tanked. There were big men dancing on tables, little men shoving their faces with food, cute girls twirling on the dance floor and very hard-working bartenders trying to keep up with the madness.

It was a fun night, but I definitely am feeling the after-effects today. Thank goodness no one else on my team is in the office!

What's cooking?

Since I moved into my new home, I've been trying all sorts of new recipes and learning my way around the kitchen. It's been great having a kitchen that I actually use and I've really been enjoying my meals. These dinner parties have also been a great way to catch up with friends and I feel less obligated to have a messy housewarming party where my home gets ransacked.

Keeping with this theme, I left work early yesterday and made a tasty herb-crusted pork loin accompanied by a cauliflower gratin. Beetle, Mattress, Blanca and Puppy came over and helped me polish off the food, including a carrot cake which I picked up the night before for zero dollars! (The lady at the store decided to just give it to me for free.)

Six bottles of wine, one laser pointer and one fluffy ball on a stick later, Stefano DiMera was tired out and we were off to sleepytime.

Kitty McDroolerson

Last night, as I lay on my couch watching Monday night's Gossip Girl, Stefano DiMera jumped onto my chest for some petting and purring. I was concentrating on the television and absent-mindedly petting the cat when I noticed that my chest felt wet. Stefano was drooling on me! His eyes were closed and he was in heaven.

Mandoline rain

I was inspired to try a recipe that called for paper-thin slices of potatoes to be wrapped around halibut filets, which created crispy pockets of fishy deliciousness when fried. Therefore, I was forced to invest in a mandoline slicer, a contraption that appears very dangerous with its sharp blades and pokey food grip.

But the device worked pretty well and my potato slices were translucent, as dictated by the recipe. Sadly, the potato didn't stick properly to the fillets, so the meal wasn't nearly as pretty as advertised.

Fortunately, I don't think anyone cared in the end, but that may have been thanks to the bottles of wine we also polished off!

Moi, je parle francais

I just returned home from a fun night out when I may have overdrank a bit. Puppy and I met for a pizza dinner, followed by an appearance at a St. Patrick's Day party with a bunch of friends from business school.

But soon, we tired of the party with babies in one room and beer pong in the other so I met up with some friends and checked out the new Cockblock party with an amigo from Boston. But once it was clear that he was quite fine by himself, I decided it was time for me to go home, but not after helping a group of French exchange students find their way from the Lookout to Badlands.

Bonne nuit!

Soul man

For dinner, my co-worker took me to a little divey soul food restaurant. It was a no-frills kind of joint in a strip mall where we were the only non-African Americans in the entire place.

I was stoked to have a real meal after yesterday's airport food and this afternoon's sandwich at the company cafeteria. But now, even four hours after the meal, I'm stuffed. That's what I get for ordering fried chicken, collard greens, dressing (I had never heard the term before. Basically, it was gravy-covered stuffing.), corn bread, peach cobbler and a diet coke (served in a styrofoam cup!). And we wonder why Americans are fatty boom blatty.

Pick and pack

I just returned to my hotel after a very, very long day. After spending a few hours at the regional office, I had the opportunity to tour one of our distribution centers. Since I was a special guest from "corporate," I was asked to stand in front of all the workers, explain my role and tell them about our company's commitment to environmental sustainability. To my surprise, they actually seemed pretty interested and impressed at the statistics I shared with them, illustrating the number of trees they saved from the number of tons of corrugated cardboard they recycled in 2008.

The distribution center is enormous. Miles and miles of conveyor belts whizzing all around, shuttling plastic "totes" around. Almost all of it is automated and bottles of pills plop accurately into the toes as they make their way to the shipping station. The hundred or so workers mostly filled totes with bottles of pharmaceuticals (picked and packed), scanning barcodes and hurrying down aisles to fulfill the requested amount of product.

These folks are the heart of the company. Truly hard-working, honest people. And I know they're honest because they're surrounded by millions of dollars of pharmaceuticals every night. And because everyone had to undergo drug testing and a background check before employment.

It was fascinating to see it all in action and I'm glad I had the opportunity to visit a DC during the hectic night shift. But I'm totes tired and so ready for bed.

All over the peach state

Today's activity seemingly has been to tour Georgia. I arrived at the address for my first meeting and patiently waited for my host until I received a phone call letting me know that I'd been given the wrong address and that I was 30 minutes away from where I was supposed to be!

So, I zipped in my car, drove from Alpharetta to Atlanta and conducted my meetings. Once those wrapped up, I drove to Duluth, where I'm visiting with a co-worker and taking a tour of our Distribution Center.

Later, I'll be heading back to Alpharetta, hopefully to sleep through the night this time!

Rude awakening

It's difficult enough for me to get a comfortable night's sleep in a hotel room in a different time zone than I'm used to, but when some jerko pulls a hotel fire alarm at 5am, it pretty much kills any chance that I'm going to get a restful night's sleep.

I was so confused when the fire alarm jolted me out of sleep and quickly dressed to go outside. I grabbed my phone and keys and joined the rest of the sleepy hotel guests in our reluctant march outside.

Shortly after we all assembled outside, the alarm stopped and the front desk clerk announced that some "asshole" had pulled the fire alarm on the second floor. Sadly, I haven't been able to fall back asleep, even though my first meeting isn't until 11am.

Standing by

According to the little Japanese gate agent I just spoke with, Delta Airlines "doesn't do" standbys. How that policy makes any sense in today's era of airline overbooking is well beyond me. You'd think that if a plane had a few open seats and if someone wanted to take that seat to get to his or her destination more quickly, the airline would be psyched to let him or her go, thereby freeing a seat on a later flight! In other words, standby is a win-win situation!

Instead, I guess I'll have to wait another hour before my flight to GA leaves. Brilliant.

Wine and dine doom and gloom

So it appears out Corporate Procurement team receives many invitations from our vendors to gather with other companies and talk about stuff. Today, for example, I spent the day at the Ritz-Carlton Hotel at a "Thought Leadership Summit" with other clients of one of our vendors.

This was only my second meeting of this sort, but I'm starting to spot a trend. Typically, the meeting is filled with procurement managers, account reps and a smattering of professionals who are topical "experts."

So, like an awkward guest at a distant cousin's wedding, I found my table assignment and sat between two of our vendor's account directors. Their overly friendly, over-enthusiastic manner was a bit off-putting. They worried when my coffee cup was empty. They jumped to help me with a glass of water. They encouraged me to meet other company representatives. I'm sure they were well-meaning, but it all came across as fake and super-saccharine.

To my surprise, the guest speakers at today's event were actually quite interesting and well-informed. And unlike the last meeting, there seemed to be more people interested in sustainability. However, a day of environmental experts preaching how the world is doomed does not make for a very uplifting experience. And although I appreciate the expert warning I received, I feel utterly powerless to do anything about it!

Birthday redux

Kitten hosted a nice dinner party to celebrate mine and GarGar's February birthdays the other night. Puppy and I brought over some sexy bottles of Marilyn Monroe merlot to accompany the very delish lamb he prepared.

I was very impressed by the meal: the aforementioned lamb had a cheesy asparagus topping, he embellished a homemade pesto recipe for some toasts and he glazed some baby carrots as a side. On top of all that, he made a clafouti, which apparently required multiple bowls and a sifter!

His new roommate, Dykela, also joined the meal, and as we all whisked away for a Saturday night out, we were lucky to be cursed in a foreign language by a homeless man waving a gallon of milk at us!

It's her birthday! It's her birthday!

A sunny Sunday and a "gospel" brunch apparently make for a pretty dangerous combination, as evidenced by what I witnessed this afternoon. Puppy, Gerbil and I met up for a brunch fundraiser for friends who are participating in the AIDS/LifeCycle this summer. And although we were warned against trying the breakfast pizza with fried eggs on top, Puppy really enjoyed his.

The restaurant and bar were packed with people, dancing, wearing drag, having fun and drinking cocktails. Lots of cocktails.

Before it was even 4 o'clock, we witnessed three separate incidents of bar patrons being over-served.

1) The friend of a friend who seemed unable to keep his eyes open, sit down without swaying, keep a drink in his hand or refrain from "dancing." Two friends escorted him out.

2) The girl who puked on the balcony and had three friends dragging her lifeless body through the bar, explaining "It's her birthday!" as if that made it okay to be passing out at 3pm.

3) The boy who was passing out roses to people in the bar, toppling into everyone around him. He too was dragged out by a companion.

And for once, I was not drinking, so I got to witness it all and I made it outside on my own, without the assistance of my friends!

Cash back

I just finished filing my taxes and I'm pleasantly surprised that I'll actually receive a refund this year! It's been approximately five years since I last received a tax refund, and the only reason I can see for this change is due to my new homeowner status.

No matter what the reason, this is the first time I haven't had to send in my tax forms with a check. And this avoided hassle is quite a welcome change of pace!

I look forward to receiving an I.O.U. from the state of California.

This is your birthday song

To celebrate Lucy Ricardo's birthday, Beetle organized a little Japanese dinner last night. Since Lucy Ricardo doesn't eat sushi, it was pretty clear the objective was to partake in sake bombs and make as big a mess as possible!

Beetle taught us the TGIFriday's birthday song, which we punctuated with table-pounding and sake bomb chugging and generally made others in the restaurant wish they'd eaten someplace else.

Naturally, after we finished up our meal, we headed to Juanita MORE's Booty Call party and snapped photos. Panda!!!! was called out during one photo for being particularly disruptive to previous backdrops. Sorry!

Declineeeedeeeeee

Now I know how Selives must feel. When I went to purchase my lunch, the little lesbian at the counter quietly said to me, "I'm sorry, we need another card," and showed me the printout that said "DECLINED."

Minorly embarrassed, I gave her another card which went through easily, then I returned to my desk to call the credit card company.

It turns out South African Airways tried four times to run my card when it was charging some flights I booked yesterday, ringing up an obscene total, then voiding their transactions. Fortunately, they charged the correct amount, but it sent a red flag at the credit card company.

Crappy commute

This morning, I waited at the muni station for 30 minutes, while the mob of angry and frustrated commuters grew with each passing second. During that half-hour, not a single train pulled into the station. I should have known something was wrong when I spotted two bright orange vest-wearing, flashlight-wielding muni workers poking around in the tunnel.

Since it was clear I would be late for my 9am call, I booked it home and took the call from my bedroom, instead. And after checking some e-mails, I returned to the muni station to finally make my way into the office.

Well, clearly, the kinks weren't yet worked out of the system because my train basically crawled through the tunnel, slowly making its way to my stop. And now I'm finally in the office, tending to important things like this blog.

Lez sangria fantasia

Last night we celebrated Lezzie N's birthday with a flock of gays descending upon a tapas restaurant in the mission. Fortunately for the other patrons, they sequestered us in the back room where we ate non-stop, kept pitchers of sangria flowing into our gullets and loudly discussed current events in our lives, like reality television shows.

Afterward, we headed to the "only" lesbian bar in San Francisco, where we instantly doubled the number of patrons (It was a Monday night, after all.) and got in the way of anyone who tried to make it through the establishment.

Overall, it was a fun Monday event that capped off a weekend of celebrating (I mostly opted out of the celebrating due to other commitments) and fortunately I was in enough control to make it through a very important meeting this morning.

To the moms...

Am I being an insensitive panda when I complain about a woman, who came into our office as my co-worker's guest, and decided to breastfeed her four-month-old in a conference room?

This woman, who is not an employee, was sittin in a conference room when I entered, to clean up after a meeting. As I walked around the table, to get to an area that she was facing, she exclaimed, "I'm nursing!" So, I apologized and left the room (with both doors open, just like they were when I walked in).

I realize that her baby has needs, but is it really appropriate to nurse in a conference room during business hours? When you don't even work at the company?

Beer busty

Roommate J referred to me as "cartoon drunk" after consuming twelve too many at Saturday's beer bust fundraiser for a bunch of friends who are participating in the AIDS LifeCycle this year.

But who can blame me when you can purchase a plastic cup for $8 and drink all the beer you possibly can? And when you add to that Beetle's jello shots? Well, forget it. No one should be at all surprised when I'm walking to Puppy's home, hiccupping all the way.

The learning curve remains steep

Internets, I just returned from my first industry-related event for my relatively new company. All the other meetings I've been a part of focused on corporate social responsibility or sustainability, so I felt totally in my element. Today's event, however, was focused on information security, patient safety and electronic health records and man was I confused.

The event took place at the fancy shmancy Four Seasons Hotel, just a few blocks away, but I seriously considered dialing into the webcast since it's raining and it would be easier to sneak out unnoticed. But I decided that it would probably do me good to actually show up in person, get some face time with execs and take a quick walk (probably all the exercise I'll get today).

As expected, it was a stuffy event where I felt underdressed (no tie!) and underage. I sat through some speeches and presentations and understood very little of what was being said. At my old company, at least I understood the concepts being discussed at industry events (denim! sequins! bold patterns!). Here, however, I am totally lost when confronted with discussions of HIPAA implementation, connectivity solutions and prescriptive frameworks.

But at least I got to admire the Four Seasons and learned that, when it's time to start a meeting, it's best to hire a Chinese man to strike a handheld xylophone daintily as he walks through the meeting venue with a dazed expression on his face.