Olfactory assault

There's a shared kitchen area on each floor of our office building, equipped with a refrigerator, sink, water cooler, microwave and waste bins. As I turned the corner to toss my coffee cup this morning, a horrible, horrible smell nearly knocked me out.

It smelled like rotten cat food, and I nearly gagged as I threw away my cup. Peering into the trash, I noticed an empty little blue tin. One that formerly contained Vienna Sausages. That is, until someone on my floor emptied it out, nuked its contents and subjected the rest of us to his/her idea of "breakfast."

Big Top birthday

Saturday night marked the return of Big Top to the city, so trannies all over SF were a-twitter. It also happened to be Mattress's backyard birthday bash, so I tried my best to pace myself.

The birthday party was perfectly lovely, featuring stiff drinks and filipino foods. By the time Puppy and I arrived, the stiff drinks were free-flowing, but the food had all been gobbled up. So, we broke away and stuffed our faces with BBQ.

Puppy, not feeling great and never one for Big Top to begin with, left to play with the kitties, but I wandered over to Roommate A&J's home for a little Big Top pre-party with the roommates, Mahogany Sparkle and Lezzies N&P.

Glitter and eyeliner were applied, Roommate A and I made Mahogany Sparkle a very weak drink, and we were off!

As expected, Big Top was super crowded, hot and kind of annoying. Miss Tammie Brown from RuPaul's Drag Race performed a song about a potato, accompanied by a dance she tried to unsuccessfully teach me at Mattress's party earlier. I lost all my friends, got kind of bored and called it a night.

Arriving home at 1am, I'm not sure if I was successful in pacing myself, but it sure was a fun Saturday night!

Artistic license

Yesterday evening, Puppy, Roommates A&J, Lucy Ricardo, Mahogany Sparkle, Lezzie N and I joined a big crowd of hipsters, gays and other assorted SF wildlife at an exhibit of photographs by our friend Rayza. The collection of photos was pretty small, but it was cool to see some familiar faces on the walls of the gallery. And of course it was just a good excuse to get together and partake in free wine!

During the reception, five women and one man - dressed in Old Navy tighty-whities and tank tops - shuffled along the perimeter of the floor, did weird gyrations in the window and hopped up and down on some chairs, all while making scary faces. I suppose it was an art installation of some type, but I didn't really understand what I was supposed to take from the experience.

Many members of the crowd watched with great interest and others, like myself, stood confusedly and scratched our heads.

Chola-riffic

Another way last night hearkened back to my high school days was the theme at Booty Call Wednesdays: Gangsta Chola Bandanna Splash Epilepsy! Okay, so that's probably not the official name of the theme, but I decided it would suffice.

Juanita MORE had teased and freezed her hair to the heavens and gang-type bandannas were everywhere. It was as if half the girls from my high school decided to throw a party at the bar. It reeked of aqua net and magnum markers.

Roommates A&J, Lezzies N&P, Mahogany Sparkle, GarGar, Puppy and I were at the bar celebrating Kitten's birthday last night. Selives had flown up from LA in his finest work outfit. PorkChop, Beetle and Mattress were also there, in support of Mattress's first night as a tranny go-go dancer, in character as Tess Tickle. She swayed gently on the makeshift stage while elegantly sipping her beverage.

Since I'm a working panda, Puppy and I left just as the festivities were getting started. I understand Kitten disappeared, Selives lost his phone and someone may have ended up sleeping on the streets. Obviously, some folks took the chola theme a bit too literally.

Stick the landing

Somehow, I managed to watch the entire season of Make It or Break It on ABC Family. Yes, I know the show's target demographic is 12-year-old girls, but whatevs. Sadly, none of the other scenes in this inaugural season measured up to this "fight" scene.

Mexico roll

VALedictorian and I went to a restaurant that boasted Mexican-type sushi last night, deep in the Mission district. It seemed like an interesting idea, but when you put jalapeno and spicy sauce on everything, you can't really taste anything else! So, basically, I got mouthful after mouthful of caliente and didn't appreciate the other flavors.

And hearkening back to 1990, VALedictorian told me a little tale about some of our friends from high school. And basically, it went like this (names have been changed to protect the innocent): "Joe-Bob told me that he thinks Beulah is mad at Ringo because he's dating this girl." I guess we never really grow out of high school.

Card catalog

I just met with a lady who offered me a new, exciting product that will help me become more effective at my job! A service that provides access to more than 400 magazines and articles focused on sustainability!

After hearing her pitch and learning more about her company's database product, I let her know that I already subscribe to several sustainability article aggregators, follow experts on twitter and generally know how to navigate the internets.

But her product, she argued, provided full-text articles! While this may be a compelling argument to an academic with loads of time on his/her hands, I have the attention span of a gnat and a growing stack of full-text articles on my desk. In fact, I prefer the editorializing and the filtering provided by my free newsletters and can't imagine how I would ever use her database. Especially at the price she charges.

Protect me!

Fiat, it appears, has a soft spot for pandas ... and the environment. Thank goodness they gave the poor guy an airbag!

I don't wanna touch you too much baby

Someone managed to get this song in my head, but I really don't mind.

Brad Pitt's face and Jesus's abs

Puppy took me to see (500) Days of Summer yesterday and I loved it! It was a cute movie, totally refreshing and entertaining. The actors worked well and the quirky movie-type gimmicks (split-screen, a sing-and-dance scene, forays into French cinema) actually seemed appropriate and whimsical!

But what I appreciated most was the music! I loved the Smiths references and that "Here Comes Your Man" was a choice karaoke song! [Gleemonex, this is entirely for your benefit.]

Warm house, mad mall

One of Puppy's friends recently moved abodes and threw a nice housewarming party last night. Prior to arrival, Puppy warned me that triscuits with American cheese were served at his last housewarming, so I knew what to expect.

Although I stayed away from the hors d'oeuvres (We'd just had a pretty big dinner.), I was pleased to see that the nibbles had evolved to include bruschetta and taquitos!

The party itself was pretty tame. A few drinks ingested here, a few snarky comments about the guests there and we were ready to leave. Fortunately, we weren't nearly the biggest messes present - one heavy-eyelidded kid managed to drop his freshly poured drink all over the kitchen floor. And save for one older couple, I think I was the oldest person there.

So, I was pleased to journey to the Lower Haight to meet up with Roommates A&J, Mahogany Sparkle, Beetle, Kitten, PorkChop and Mattress (dressed as his alter-ego Tess Tickle) at Mall Madness! The party was fun, and I managed to take a few glamour shots, wrapped in a boa.

But a few quick drinks later, I was much too inebriated to care so I went home, watched an episode of Battlestar Galactica, and went to sleep.

No, ma'am, but we do have rotisserie chicken

While I was patiently waiting for the barista to prepare my Starbucks caffeinated beverages, a couple walked into the cafe and asked the cashier, "Do you serve coffee here?"

I have nothing more to say.

Eagerly expecting

First, Celine Dion announces that she's pregnant with her second child. A child that is due in approximately nine months. That's the entire gestation period! What happened to waiting until after the first trimester before announcing the blessed event?

And yesterday, my co-worker started planning around her maternity leave. And she's due in April. Eight months away!

I mean, I guess I'm excited for them, but shouldn't we exercise a bit more caution with these announcements?

MANi pedi

At Starbucks this morning, after the diminutive cashier took my order, he tried to get me to order a cookie. Or a donut. Or a danish. I declined each time and he looked at me as if I were making a poor decision.

When he returned my credit card to me, I noticed that he had the most extreme French manicure I've ever seen on a man. I wonder what his drag name is.

A short hunting season

When I returned from work last night, a note on my door greeted me, indicating that Victor Kiriakis's services were no longer needed. I happily picked him up, but I remain unconvinced that his one night away got rid of the mousies.

Instead, I think my neighbors didn't have the heart to tell me that he's a messy, needy cat who kept them awake all night. It doesn't really matter. I'm glad he's back home, where Stefano DiMera can lick his face.

Will hunt for food

When my upstairs neighbors discovered a mouse in their home (on the third floor!), they asked if they could borrow a cat for a few nights. After considering for approximately 0.0001 seconds which cat would be right for the job, I offered Victor Kiriakis's services for a few nights.

I packed him and his belongings up last night and delivered him to my neighbors, but I haven't heard news about progress. Stefano DiMera, meanwhile, has grown sort of confused and despondent. He seems sad and lonely, looking for his old friend. This, of course, is ironic because he wanted to get rid of Victor just a week or two ago. My, how quickly things change!

Hopefully, Victor will be an adept hunter and clear their home of rodents quickly because I'm starting to miss him. That, and I don't want him to love them more than me.

You are not welcome here

BoomKat and I went to see District 9 last night and I really enjoyed it, despite feeling very tense and nervous throughout the movie. It was a much more violent film than I expected, having been sold on the "apartheid allegory" aspect of the movie more than the "exterminate aliens" part.

And even though the main actor made me think of Steve Carrell throughout, he did a great job and I'm hoping for a sequel. Maybe one that doesn't make corporations (and all those who work for them) seem like such evil entities.

Hot summer babes

Puppy and I left the city yesterday to celebrate Shotgun's firstborn's third birthday. I don't remember the last time I attended a birthday party for a three-year-old, but I have a feeling it won't be the last, especially since all my friends seem to have just given birth!

We traveled only 40 minutes away, but the temperature was approximately 30 degrees hotter, well into triple-digits. I really didn't plan my outfit accordingly, so I was a sweaty mess, bedecked in jeans.

As expected, Shotgun prepared a wonderful assortment of food, which I eagerly consumed. The birthday boy was occupied with a new train set and apparently had learned to ride a bike earlier in the day. There were many parents and children of various ages in attendance, all enjoying the inflatable pool and the sandbox in the backyard. Most of the children were dressed more appropriately than I was - sporting diapers and little else.

Puppy and I had a riveting conversation with a four-year-old girl and her new five-year-old friend about pretend salads, bouquets, traveling on planes and birthday parties. When the urge to dress them both up in bejeweled gowns, apply tons of makeup to their faces, plop on fake hairpieces and enter them in beauty pageants hit me, I realized I probably watch too much Toddlers & Tiaras.

Candyland nuptials

Last night, I went as Puppy's guest to a wedding in the Presidio. We weren't invited until very recently, but we managed to make time to attend the event.

It was a lovely wedding, with a Jesus-filled ceremony and a "bridesman" and a "groomsmaid" in the party. The reception was a lively affair and featured a bar with beautiful glass jars of different candies. There were jelly beans, gumdrops, gummi bears and smarties, all available for guests to scoop into cute little red boxes. There was also a kids' table with games, cameras, coloring materials and kid-friendly meals, which kept all the little ones occupied.

Our "waitress," however, left a lot to be desired. She was a confused older lady who had to circle our table at least four times to understand which entree options we'd each chosen. Even though they were clearly marked on our table cards, she couldn't understand our meal orders, so I was pleasantly surprised when my beef actually showed up in front of me.

But, really, who am I to complain? It was a fun Saturday night and I returned home with a fistful of smarties!

Straight night with sasquatch

Even though I've lived in and around San Francisco for most of my life, there are many neighborhoods that feel foreign to me, mostly because I'm a creature of habit. Last night I went out with some grad school friends to the Nob Hill/Russian Hill area of town, which required me to leave the confines of the Castro.

After catching up over a fun dinner at a Mexican restaurant, we ended up at a bar with a sasquatch theme, complete with a "life-sized" replica of Bigfoot himself. It was kind of a weird theme to embrace, but everyone in the bar seemed to enjoy it (or at least the drinks). I'm not sure I'd ever choose to make that particular bar my nighttime destination again, but I feel proud that I got out of my comfort zone and entered a Britney/Beyonce/Madonna-free environment.

The fall season can't start soon enough

There's a dearth of interesting television right now, so I probably should be filling my time with exercise, socializing, reading, playing with the cats ... anything, really! But instead, I seem to have found a way to seek out terrible television shows like I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant and More to Love.

The latter show is referred to as "Fat Bachelor" in my mind because it takes the dating show format, but introduces us to all these overweight ladies who compete for the love of one overweight man. That size matters is clearly evident, and every episode hammers home the fact that these people have been discriminated against because of their size.

The girls all have similar complaints: she's never been on a date or she went to prom alone or she's a virgin or she's never worn a bathing suit in public. And enter Luke, the "charming" overweight prince who loves a full-figured gal and has packed on the ell-beez himself throughout the years.

All the girls are starting to "fall in love" with Luke because he's so dreamy and kind and has such nice eyes. Luke, however, comes across as just another douchebag on a dating show who is trying to get in the chonies of as many girls as he can. He's totally insincere, patronizing and uninteresting, yet all the girls are fawning all over him.

And the girls break down every single episode because they somehow see this as their one and only shot at true love. They pour their hearts and secrets out to Luke and to the cameras, declare their true feelings of love through letters and drawings and cry hysterically when they're eliminated.

On top of all this, the show's host, plus-sized model Emme, appears every once in a while to say the dumbest things like, "There is only one ring left," or, "It's time for our next group date."

Internets, you know this panda loves me some trashy television, but I'm really looking forward to some new shows that will take priority over this drivel.

Farewell my concubine

Puppy and I were enjoying a nice dinner last night with two of my friends from grad school when we were interrupted by a neighboring diner who tapped my friend on his shoulder and asked to learn Puppy's name. This fellow, a shrill little Asiatic fellow with a fugly trucker hat and white-framed plastic sunglasses, let Puppy know that he was very cute.

As we left the restaurant, he stopped Puppy and reiterated how cute he thought he was, when his friend asked if I was his boyfriend. We answered in the affirmative, then the little man pointed at me and said, "He past boyfriend. I future boyfriend!"

I thought that was a bit forward and rude while Puppy enjoyed the attention. He suggested that our dining friend become his concubine and I made it clear that I would allow no such thing.

I want you to know that it doesn't matter

Apparently, K-Cla was trying to block this song from being released as a single because it sounds too similar to "Halo" by Beyonce. And I guess the same dude wrote both songs, so it makes sense, but I think this is the best song from her new album, and when I first heard it on an airplane, I repeated it about three times. Video's dullsville, but I still enjoy it!

Kitty cat drugs

The other day, Victor stopped eating and refused to come out from under the bed, so I took him to the emergency vet. She scared me into thinking that he might have a fatal cat disease, so she drew some blood to run some tests. Fortunately, he isn't on the brink of death, but they wanted to keep him for a few nights, hooked up to an IV for fluids and antibiotics.

Not willing to pay $1,500 for the treatment, I requested other options and was sent home with these syringes of medicine. The syringes don't have needles; instead, you're supposed to squirt the medication directly under the cat's tongue or onto the gums, to be absorbed into the bloodstream.

Well, as you can imagine, Victor doesn't take too kindly to the treatment, but Puppy and I have been administering them diligently, every 12 hours or so. Happily for everyone, Victor seems to have recovered immediately. His breath has improved dramatically and he doesn't snot all over the place.

Now we just have to get him and Stefano to love each other.

Date my mom (and pop)

Last night, Puppy, VALedictorian and I went on a romantical date with my parents! My mom was in town for a gift show and my dad was in town playing mah jong with his friends, so we met up for dinner at Straits Cafe.

Afterward, the parentals returned home and the rest of us went to see Julie & Julia, which was a fun, whimsical chick flick. Meryl Streep was perfect, it was entertaining and all the theater full of ladies and gay men seemed to enjoy it immensely.

It was a far cry from the usual Saturday night shenanigans, that's for sure.

Endless salad bar

Today's errands took Puppy and me to the 'burbs, so we decided to reclaim our childhoods and hit the Sizzler salad bar! It was just as I had remembered: wilted greens, processed meatballs, processed chicken product, can-fresh peaches and spongey chocolate mousse! I requested a piece of garlic cheesey toast, and it was good, but somehow, a Sizzler meal has lost its luster since I was 11 years old. Nonetheless, I tried my very best to get the most value for $7.99! And now I feel kind of gross.

Celeb sighting: Slight chance of showers

At lunch today, I was stopped by a gentleman whom I met over a year ago at the local watering hole. He was excited to inform me that he is moving into the city and that he now holds down two bartending shifts at a nearby bar. I couldn't remember his name, and I barely remember him, but he introduced me to his lunch partner, Tracy Humphrey, the weather gal for our local CBS affiliate.

Had my bartending friend not introduced her with the phrase, "If you think she looks familiar, it's because she does the weather for channel 5," I would not have recognized her. So, I thanked her for the warm, sunny day and I went on about my business.

It doesn't seem so elite

Last night, Puppy and I hit the Yelp elite event at The Cafe. I was interested in seeing the million-dollar renovation and partaking in all the free drinks and food that was promised.

The new space is a big improvement over the old layout - it's more open and more modern - but why did they insist on keeping the random vending machine on the second floor? The bags of Fritos do nothing to enhance the vibe they're trying to sell.

It was sort of strange to be in The Cafe with a crowd that was mostly straight and Taiwanese. But we made the most of it and sipped on the complimentary rum/pineapple juice/grenadine concoctions and I enjoyed when they played Damaged.

We also saw this guy, who looks like he's been skipping his cardio workouts and who's in severe need of a haircut. His wavy hair is growing out and the bleached tips of his hair simply look unkempt.

When we tired of the Yelp scene, we made it to Juanita MORE's Booty Call for a bit, where we ran into old friends like Lezzies N&P and Beetle. It's been a long time since I've gone out on a Wednesday, but fortunately it was an early night and I'm not feeling any nasty side effects today.

Congested

Poor Potential Victor has some sort of ailment that causes his little cat nose to produce buckets of disgusting snot! Every day, we have to clean out his little nostrils because he can't breathe through is nose, and by the time I get home from work, his little furry paws are all matted, thanks to his attempts to wipe his nose.

It's no wonder that Stefano DiMera keeps his distance. I just hope it isn't contagious!

The producer

Well, Megan Wants a Millionaire has begun airing and I find myself sucked into another unholy obsession. The premiere episode featured a suitor named Donald who made his millions in the film industry. He apparently produces and directs low-budget movies like Sexy Cannibals in Guinea Alone in the Scary Dark with Little to No Clothing.

In any case, it was a pleasure watching Donald try to woo Megan. He tried to psychic her into loving him, directed her in a would-be movie scene and smooched her little dog Lily. VH1 better give this man his own show!

Locker room talk

My gym is used by stuffy old businessmen-types and ladies who look like they "lunch" frequently. On occasion, a professional sports team may blow through town and use the facilities, but that's pretty rare.

Well, yesterday, after wrapping up my workout and getting dressed to leave, I overheard three very large, very muscular men who seemed to be of the professional athlete variety. Maybe they played arena football or something like that.

In any case, I was privy to their conversation about mutual friends who were "hanging out" with "freaks" who liked to take pictures of themselves using various sex toys. Apparently, these unsavory images of women atop large instruments were making the rounds through this team, by way of cell phones.

They went into pretty gory detail about various sex acts and the way these women threw themselves at these men. One lady, in particular, would bring teammates back to her apartment to have sex while her six-year-old daughter slept in the same room.

It's rare that I hear such graphic (and loud) accounts of sex in the locker room, so I finished my business as quickly as possible and high-tailed it out of there!

Recession potluck

On Saturday night, Buttons and her roommate had a bunch of friends over for a potluck feast, in honor of our tough economic times. For my contribution, I prepared a delicious chicken dip, recipe courtesy of Beetle's sister.

But making the dip may have turned me off ever eating it again. Not because it contains a bottle of ranch dressing or because the foundation is a package of cream cheese. It's because the act of boiling boneless chicken breasts is pretty grody.

Nonetheless, the dip proved to be a popular dish - even better than the fancier, spicier version some lesbian brought.