When the red light comes on

This video is a hot, hot mess! I love the wigs and the comic book theme, but it's all over the place. And poor Shannon! While Dawn gets her man Q and Aubrey gets to tangle with Talan from Laguna Beach, poor Shannon is being chased on a motorcycle by Wolf from American Gladiators!

To the homeland

In a few hours I'll board a plane to travel to the other side of the world. And I'm totes looking forward to stuffing my face with deliciousness for the next few days!

Auf wiedersehen

I'm so glad that Project Runway is back on the air! And this season there's a whole bunch of crazies, so it's extra fun.

There's Blayne, the tanorexic one. Stella, the old leathery one. Suede who talks about himself in the third person. Korto, the strong African curvy woman.

But my favorite is Keith! Hot Keith with the tats and the big arms. He hasn't done anything outrageous yet, so he hasn't gotten a lot of camera time, but it looks like tonight he'll show a bit of his bonkers side. I can hardly wait!

Dore disaster

The fallout from Blanca's birthday led to Sunday, otherwise known as "The Great Dore Alley Disaster of 2008." It all began innocently enough, with a moderate hangover from the margaritas, so I got out of bed and poured myself a glass of water. Upon returning to bed, I knew something wasn't right, so I scooted to the bathroom where I proceeded to puke. Good morning!

After gathering myself for the day, I met Chocolate Thunder and headed over to Kitten's house, where a little pre-Dore Alley party was in the works. Mahogany Sparkle brought Roommates A&J, and I dutifully avoided the alcohol. But after eating a few pineapple-infused sausages, I reached for the champagne and we headed for the festivities.

Our group was rather large, so along the way we lost GarGar and Kitten, but we had Puppy and Periwinkle at our side. We fought our way through the crowds of fat men in assless chaps and leather harnesses, picked up free tank tops and porn, and indulged in some beers. We saw some folks getting flogged and others pleasuring themselves in relatively pedestrian ways, but it all seemed rather tame for some reason.

Suddenly, we found ourselves in someone's home, several stories above the action in a party where Turtle and his crew were hanging out. At this point, I wasn't feeling well again and I requested that we leave the apartment to go outside again. After several more minutes (Roommate A had to stay to appease a work comrade), we finally made the decision to return to the Castro to visit Beetle.

As soon as I sat at the bar and had a sip of water, I knew all was wrong again. And I headed to the bathroom, where all the day's food decided to make a reappearance. I rinsed my mouth, popped in a piece of gum and walked outside.

It was only 4:30pm, but this panda was dunzo! I spent the rest of the evening watching The Invasion with Puppy, eating pizza and Chinese food and resting my poor, ravaged liver.

¡feliz cumpleaños!

Saturday was Blanca's birthday, thus necessitating a celebration! Mattress and Beetle were gracious enough to lend their beautiful backyard for the Mexican fiesta-themed party.

Panda!!!! may have partaken in a bit too much of the tequila-loaded margaritas because I ended up leaving on the very early side to gorge myself and pass out. But before the blackout, I do remember several highlights:

* A surprise visit from Selives, who had driven from LA with his brother
* Blanca's mother and friend arriving boisterously with mustaches, sombreros and maracas
* Mattress donning an Esther Williams get-up and parading around in a swimsuit and heels
* Taunting Mahogany Sparkle about Whitney Houston's washed-up vocal chords
* Grinding up smarties so that it looked like someone was doing illicit drugs on the table
* Blanca wailing at a burro pinata to liberate all the little bottles of alcohol from within
* Beetle's delicious ranch-based chicken-cheese dip, inspired by his sister's recipe
* Chatting with Puppy's friend, who was relaxing in an adjoining yard

After Puppy and I left the festivities early, we stumbled to the diner where Puppy ordered poutine. Seeing as it was neither Canada nor on the menu, he provided strict instructions on how they could approximate the dish. I'm not sure if what emerged was as close to the original as he hoped, but he gobbled it up while I stabbed at one gravy-soaked french fry with a coffee stirrer.

La télévision

Those marketers sure are crafty these days! How did the people at TV5MONDE know to send me a special offer, announcing the US arrival of the French language channel? And to think, if I act quickly, I can receive three months free with free installation!

I'm not sure how they knew that I'm a francophile panda, but I actually paused to consider this offer. Fortunately, I came to my senses since I watch far too much television to begin with.

I'm not going to Austin

I'm finally nearing the end of Season 1 of Friday Night Lights and surprisingly, I don't think my favorite character is the tragic crippled former quarterback. Neither is it the hunky alcoholic running back nor the perky, popular cheerleader.

The coach's wife/school counselor steals the show, thanks to Connie Britton's fine acting skillz. For real, she is amazing in this role and probably my favorite part of this excellent series.

Chickens just back from the shore

Gerbil sent me this video that's so cute I had to post it...

Filing break

My ongoing "partnership" with the IT help desk continues and today I had the privilege of swapping out my computer. For whatever reason, I've been working on a cumbersome desktop which I manage to kick approximately every 24 seconds. But today was the big day where my desktop was to be replaced by a shiny new laptop! Unfortunately, that meant I was without any computer for about an hour while files were being switched over.

So, while my electronic files were migrating, I decided to take a stab at filing all the papers that have been piling up in my cube. I'm trying to edit down my files since I spent hours clearing out my old files when I left my old company. In that process, I uncovered documents I had filed away four years prior and never needed since. I'm sure I'll do the same thing here, but at least it will look like I'm organized and not buried under a mountain of paper!

I just don't see you as the next Elle Woods ... on Broadway

MTV just wrapped up a show called Legally Blonde The Musical: The Search for the Next Elle Woods. And I loved every single minute of this melodramatic trainwreck!

From the moments where the contestants had to belt out tunes while spinning, where they danced on cobblestones in high-heeled boots, where they quivered before the harsh critique of the judges to the times where they "performed" scenes from the Broadway musical, this show was a hot tranny mess! All the girls were perky and chipper and Haylie Duff, sister of my pal Hilary, was the host!

It had other choice moments, like when Emma was booted from the competition and complained about her competition, "Rhiannon, Lauren, Bailey ... they're just little girls!" Or when Autumn was receiving her criticism and had to rush off the stage to barf.

I'm sad that my girl Lauren didn't win the coveted role, I thought the gay castmember judge was totes obnoxious and I'm really confused about what Haylie Duff has to do with Broadway, but if given the chance, I might actually want to see winner Bailey perform as Elle on Broadway. I'm such a sucker.

Help desk hell

I thought that changing companies would ease the technological pains I experienced while at my last job. The last company I worked for was notorious for poor technology and telecommunications. I would try every single last resort before forced to call the IT help desk for aid because it was so painful and the representatives were usually so incompetent.

Sadly, I think I've spent every single day of my employment at the new company on the phone with IT help. It's been ridiculous. While my computer seems to start up in record time (At the old company, I would turn my computer on, hang up my coat, fill up my water bottle, go down to the cafe, order breakfast, return to my desk and wait about 5 minutes before it was up and running.) and many things work better than at the old company, I still find that I run into technological issues all the time.

Is there any company where employees can avoid spending hours upon hours with customer service representatives?

Publicity whore

Today the company ran an article on the intranet, announcing my arrival and inviting employees to contact me with their great ideas and their desire to help the company become more environmentally friendly. While it's great to serve as the point person for these efforts, today is my 10th day on the job and I cannot even navigate around the company yet!

I've received e-mails from many excited employees, many with some simple inquiries about how they can get involved (I'm not sure yet, let me get back to you on that...) and others with complaints about company operations (using styofoam cups in Georgia, lack of carpooling options in Pittsburgh, wasting paper in San Francisco).

I'm not sure announcing my position to the entire company was such a great idea. I think I've officially become a suggestion box.

Arts and crafts happy hour

Since Beetle was working happy hour yesterday, I stopped in to meet Blanca and his boyfriend for a little Saturday afternoon libation. To my surprise, things were already in full swing, courtesy of Vibrating Crackhead who was keeping busy with a vial of black glitter, scissors and a tube of glue.

Vibrating Crackhead sat at the edge of the bar, cutting out pictures of the bartenders (from a new promotional book courtesy of the bar's new liquor sponsor) and changing their clothes to blobs of black glitter. What was once a black-and-white striped tank top was now a black glitter corset! That head of slicked-back hair? A black glitter helmet!

It truly was a sight to behold, especially since Vibrating Crackhead would often lose interest, and contemplate his dinner menu for the night. Blanca was more than happy to lend a helping hand in creating a shopping list, which seemed totes appreciated.

Chihuly

Roommates A&J, Puppy and I got up very, very early for a Saturday morning to hit the Dale Chihuly glass exhibition at the De Young museum. Remarkably, we were able to organize ourselves and get to the museum by 10:00am, before the crowds began to arrive.

The exhibit was beautifully staged and lit, and I totally wanted to take a lot of them home with me. Granted, I have no room for swirly glass chandeliers, boats of colorful glass bulbs or lavender reeds sprouting from logs.

When we were done with our tour, the line into the exhibit was totes long and we were grateful for our ability to motivate so early in the morning. We climbed to the observation deck, spotted our respective homes on a ginormous map and padded through the gift shops. For me, what made the exhibit that much greater is the fact that Dale Chihuly has an eye patch!

Alphabet soup

As is true in all organizations, my new company has its fair share of acronyms. Every day, I find myself in a meeting, scratching my head and wondering what a certain group of three letters refers to.

Every work environment has its unique acronyms (From my own work experience, the following are loaded with meaning: CLC, CSR, BR, TQM, GID, CEB, MLC, MEC, WAF, BSR, SRS, SRT... And this is just the very beginning of a tremendous list.) and I find that I'm adding two or three every day to my workplace lexicon.

What's amusing to me is that every place I've worked seems to think it's the worst offender. But I don't think that's true. I think it's just a by-product of the workplace and our need to share a common language.

TTYL,
Panda!!!!

Gem temptation

I just discovered that there is a ginormous tub of Sunkist Fruit Gems in the break room on my floor at work. As a cub, I loved these little jelly, sugary blobs of sweetness! My waistline will regret that I made this discovery.

I promise you it'll get better, better

When I was in high school, I shared a little theory of mine with VALedictorian. To my untrained ear, it seemed like the word "corazón" appeared in the lyrics of every single Spanish song I heard, whether it was a ballad, an uptempo diddy or a gangsta-fied rap. After carefully listening to a sample of approximately 10 songs, VALedictorian agreed with me.

Well, now there's a song that's actually called "Corazón" and it is a hot tranny mess! This is like three songs in one. It has three sections with different tempos and the singers are all over the place. I wonder if three different producers had individual takes on what the song should sound like and someone appeased them by splicing the interpretations all together. I also wonder what the remixes sound like.

Strategery deck

So, after seven whole days on the job, I met with my supervisor to go over a draft of my proposed strategy. It was a very interesting exercise, seeing as how I still don't fully grasp what it is my new company does. Nonetheless, I put a few graphs on some slides, made some bullet point lists and walked her through it.

I'm not sure my supervisor really appreciates the value of having a stated strategy or direction. She's definitely a task-master and someone who takes conversations into the tactical details. I, on the other hand, tend to think big-picture and build frameworks to organize the work that has to get done. Hopefully, our perspectives will complement each other, but right now, I'm finding it difficult to get her to understand that I struggle to work on some day-to-day tasks without an idea of what the larger goal is I'm trying to achieve.

Whereas at my last company this strategy would have taken months to perfect and approximately 50 meetings to solicit input, my supervisor pretty much green-lighted it. Even if she doesn't see the need or value for it, I seem to have free reign to do as I like. And I think this is going to work just fine...

Shoe shine

Now that I'm no longer allowed to wear my gym shoes to work, I've found myself the target of a peddler who was heretofore invisible to me: the shoe-shine man! I'll be the first to admit that I could take much better care of my shoes. In fact, I could take much better care of all my belongings, but I'm a lazy panda.

The shoes I've been wearing to work are nice black leather loafers, approximately six years old, and as scuffed as humanly possible. And today, as I was walking to lunch, a fellow wearing what appeared to be a homeless-chic zoot suit (complete with fedora and pocket square) mumbled to me, "How y'all let your shoes look like that? Y'all come here and I'll shine those like proper."

But I just walked on by. I have no more meetings today and certainly no one is going to be impressed with newly shined shoes if they stay under my desk for the remainder of the afternoon.

Offsite

Today, instead of heading into the office, I joined my department at a local hotel where we held a "strategy offsite." Unlike at my last company, where the department was comprised of nearly 100 people and department gatherings took the form of a several-day conference, our offsite was attended by five people and we moved through topics rather quickly.

I'm getting used to my new position and learning that our little team must act quickly in order to capitalize on momentum and excitement around our work. But because of that, our "strategy" sessions really focused on tactical issues - not quite the blue sky visioning I expected.

But like other offsite meetings I've attended, we had lovely catered food, and we took a break to enjoy a wonderful luncheon. Despite being full from the morning's breakfast (this panda can't resist a good bagel when there's a platter of lox available!), I opted for the shrimp and asparagus risotto, sending me into a deep food coma for the afternoon session. Not such a smart move, because I definitely felt myself nodding off during some of the discussion. And that's a particularly bad move when you make up 20 percent of the attendees.

Let me take you on the ride of your life

A few years ago when I visited Sydney, I fell in love with a little group called The Veronicas. Their cute, catchy songs were everywhere and I loved that they're just a couple of cheeky twins with a hint of attitude.

I'm quite jealous that Beetle and Mattress had the chance to see then live the other night (opening for Natasha Bedingfield) and it made me want to hear the song that kicked off my love for them:

Gym class zero

When I arrived at the gym today, I approached ChickenHawk, who was in the middle of a 2.5 hour workout. Visibly nervous and excited, he said to me, "Did you see that hot-ish guy who was just here? The one in the black tank top?" I responded that I knew of whom he spoke, but made a face that said, "Oh, ChickenHawk, no! You are not allowed to find him attractive."

I explained that said "hot-ish" man was totes creepy and that he stared me down intensely every time I'd seen him at the gym. His stares intense, bothersome and uncomfortable and he had no shame in stopping his exercises so he could watch other members walk by. I added that, as I exited the locker room a few days ago, he stood at the mirror, wearing velour sweatpants and blow drying his chest. As I passed him, he winked at me. I hurried out.

So after all this, ChickenHawk conceeded that Creepy McCreeperson was shady and that he should not be admired. Later, when ChickenHawk went to relieve himself, he reported back that Creepy McCreeperson was standing around the locker room, with his towel hiked up, and that he stared ChickenHawk down as he did his business.

Shortly after, he exited the locker room, fully dressed and made it to the front door of the gym. He stopped, turned around and returned to the gym. ChickenHawk, who was finally finished with his workout, chatted with me and waited for the Creep to leave. After approximately 15 minutes, Creepy McCreeperson had still not emerged so ChickenHawk made his way to the locker room to get his stuff.

When ChickenHawk exited the locker room, he walked toward me, trying very hard to stifle his laughter. "What?" I inquired. ChickenHawk came up to me and whispered, "He's naked again! And he's just wandering around the showers!"

Who gets all dressed after working out, only to return to the locker room to get naked again? Ick!

I'm one!

It was one year ago on this fateful day that Chiieew! was born and Panda!!!! became a blogger! Good thing I technically had cake this morning to celebrate...

Quit? Don't quit? Noodle? Don't noodle?

Puppy and I enjoyed Kung Fu Panda: the IMAX Experience last night. One thing I didn't quite understand was why the non-IMAX version is rated PG, while the IMAX version is not rated. Were there adult panda situations? Foul panda language? I noticed neither in last night's viewing.

It was a cute movie and much prettier than I imagined. Puppy thought the panda and the tigress should have gotten it on, but I'm sure Angelina Jolie's contract prohibits her from sharing love scenes with Jack Black. Even if it's really just their animated alter egos.

After this module, you will be able to...

I've just spent the last two hours in front of my computer, intently listening to an animated man guide me through my new employer's history. The computerized man asks me very kindly to answer a few questions to make sure all the "learning" has seeped into my brain, and in the off-chance that I get the answer wrong, he tells me the answers, looks concerned, then asks the question again.

I'm sure there have been thousands and thousands of studies that extol the virtues of computer-based training, but I'm really not sure how effective this is as a learning tool. My eyes glaze over, I start to think about dinner and I grow restless. Nonetheless, I have two more hours of this particular module left, and after that, I have three more modules to complete in the next month. Wheeeeee!

"Well, I love sex and I love money."

A few nights ago, Chocolate Thunder and I were catching up on Showtime's "new" show, Secret Diary of a Call Girl. It's a British import, but unlike past television attempts at bridging the pond, the network decided not to "re-imagine" it with American actors. Instead, it brought the series over completely untouched, scary British accents and all!

I'll admit that at times I cannot understand what the actors are saying, but I love some of the Anglicisms and the fact that the actors are not impossibly beautiful like they would have been on American television. That is, except for Billie Piper, who plays the titular character. That lady is smokin' hot!

The series makes high class prostitution look so glamorous and conflict-free that it had Chocolate Thunder and I wondering whether or not we could work as call-boys. After a half-second's thought, we came to the conclusion that no, we could not!

Pheale the birn

At my gym there is a large blackboard on which the staff dutifully write the day's schedule of instructor-led classes. If you're interested in the day's yoga class times, consult the board. If you're looking for an abs class with a particular instructor, consult the board. If you need to know which classes will set your wallet back a few benjamins, consult the board.

Some of the classes have cheeky names such as "XLR8," "Will Power & Grace" and "Stiff Guy Yoga." It can be cute, but most of the class names are more straightforward.

One class that seems to be consistently misspelled is "Rythem Ride" which takes place in the spinning studio. And every time I see it written on the official gym board, I cringe.

Worker bee

It's my first day at the new job and so far, so good. My day was typical of a first day.

I met with human resources, went over some of the most pressing information (i.e., how they can pay me) and received a ginormous book of company policies to read. I then was escorted to meet with my supervisor, got a tour of my floor and was plopped in my new cube overlooking an offramp from the Bay Bridge. The team (three ladies plus one new panda) went to lunch at a local (but very expensive) Japanese restaurant where I explained why I was excited to join the team, what some of my career and educational highlights have been and some general background information. I met with a few people to talk about my new role and to understand how we could partner together. I took a terrible photo for my security badge. And most importantly, I learned that I can still log onto my personal e-mail (and chat with Mahogany Sparkle) and onto Chiieew! from work.

So now it's time to pack it up and pack it in. I'm excited for this new job, but a bit nervous about all the expectations piling up on my shoulders. It's a new role for the company and all eyes are on me! There's tremendous opportunity to succeed here, but first I really have to figure out what this industry is all about!

Last day of leisure

Tomorrow is my first day of work, and I'm bummed that my week of leisure has come to such a quick end. It was a great run and I'm determined to get the most out of today.

Thus, I'm logging off the computer and I'm headed to the park. It's a lovely and warm day in San Francisco and I'm totes taking advantage of it!

Artsy fartsy

Every month, The Ringmaster hosts an art opening at his cute little t-shirt shop. Each event comes complete with wine, some munchies, smooth jazzy sounds and a gaggle of hipsters.

Puppy, Chocolate Thunder, Puppy's OFM Periwinkle and I headed to the July artist event and enjoyed the artist's work. One piece immediately caught my eye - it had two pandas on it! But upon closer inspection, I realized that the pandas were en flagrante and that one had apparently climaxed! I debated for a half-second, but ultimately decided I wouldn't want that graphic of a graphic on a t-shirt.

Prec and BrightEyes were both there, as a first stop on their big night out. As BrightEyes helped out with the festivities, Prec joined us for a drink around the corner before he headed back to retrieve BrightEyes. The rest of us decided it was time to fill our bellies, so we enjoyed a nice dinner and some sweet cocktails.

Puppy and I retired early, but Chocolate Thunder and Periwinkle headed out for some Saturday night scandal-making. I'm not sure what all ensued, but I woke up with a text from Chocolate Thunder at 5:14am saying that he was just getting home. Naughtiness...

Happy birthday America!

It's the 4th of July and I'm readying my panda self to head down to the suburbs for a cookout with the family. I rarely see any fireworks on the 4th, partly because it's always foggy in San Francisco, but mostly because I'm a lazy, lazy bear.

Happy birthday also to Puppy, who nearly three decades ago on this day, gained independence from his mom's womb.

Don't fear the reaper

One of the things my week of leisure affords me is time to catch up with my DVR. I've been watching the last several episodes of Reaper and I'm starting to really like the show again! It was pretty boring in the middle, but with the introduction of a girlfriend who may or may not be the devil's daughter and a pair of gay demons (one played by the actor who was Vinnie Van Lowe in Veronica Mars!), the show is actually interesting again!

I have about five more episodes left, so this post may be premature, but I'm totes feeling it right now.

Indulgent Wednesday

Like many other pandas flirting with type-A personalities, I have a list of things to accomplish during this week between jobs. On that list appear errands such as "clean" and "call Guido back" and "laundry." No where on the list did "get massage" appear, yet that is exactly what I decided to do today.

After a quickie gym workout, I walked by a spa and thought that I should investigate a massage appointment for the afternoon. You see, my back's been acting up a bit and I figured a nice relaxing massage might help to put it at ease. Plus, I'd never had a massage before and thought that it was about time I tried one.

So after my lunch date with VALedictorian (pho in the Sunset), I made my way to the spa where I was treated to a 60 minute deep tissue massage, with focus on my lower back. It was quite a nice experience, after I finally relaxed enough to enjoy it. I'm not a panda who likes to be touched by strangers, so it wasn't easy for me to succumb to the idea of relaxing on a table whilst being pawed. But I'm glad I did it because I feel totes relaxed and quite like jelly.

Then, feeling like I hadn't accomplished enough on my list, I took some old clothes to sell at Crossroads and walked away $120 richer! I don't really want to think about how much I originally paid for the 17 articles of clothing they took, but instead I'll focus on the fact that I was going to donate them for free otherwise.

"It's gooey"

Roommate J sent this around and I cannot stop laughing! It's totes wrong, but I absolutely love it.

Uninsured

I just realized that I've joined the millions of uninsured Americans today. Since it's July, I technically left my job last month and a my new jobby doesn't begin for another week, so I'd best be careful over the next seven days...