Backyard birthday bash

Last night Mattress celebrated his birthday by hosting a big party in his backyard. He and Beetle spent the entire day cooking, stringing up lights and preparing the boozes.

It was a very fun party and I was glad to see and meet so many of Mattress's lovely relatives amongst the usual gaggle of gays. With the fancy new lighting scheme, we learned quickly that turning on lights in the kitchen or bathroom would short-circuit the entire production, rendering the backyard revelers in darkness and silence. Thusly, the upstairs spread was elegantly candle-lit and Beetle encouraged everyone to enjoy their libations outside. And boy did I enjoy my libations! My head hurts just a tad today.

As expected, Beetle's sister's dip was quite the hit. When I searched for a picture, using the key words "chicken cheese ranch spice dip," I learned that the concoction is also known as buffalo chicken dip!

Slow food feasting

The Slow Food Nation convention begins in San Francisco today, but I got a little slow food sneak preview, thanks to an impromptu backyard BBQ with Mattress and Beetle.

After Roommate J talked me out of our original plans to help the community, I was surprised to find a voice message from Beetle asking me if I wanted to join him, Mattress and Blanca for a little steak grilling in their backyard. Since it was Mattress's birthday yesterday, I'd assumed they would have an intimate evening before the official soiree tonight.

So I hopped over to Mattress and Beetle's to lounge in the uncharacteristically warm night air and enjoy some wine. And even though I was stuffed from my dinner, I couldn't resist partaking in the broccolini, the green beans and the fingerling potatoes they'd prepared. I learned that all the spices used in last night's meal and the green beans were grown locally - as in their back yard! To say that I was impressed was an understatement.

And because we dined in the glow from a gothic-inspired candelabra, Beetle asked that this post be accompanied by a similar image. Happy birthday, Mattress!

Old boys' network

One of the main differences between my new workplace and the old one is that the old boys' network seems to be alive and well here. Since the old employer was comprised of 70% women, it's no surprise that my current employer has a more distinctly masculine feel.

What I didn't quite expect, however, was that I'd encounter so many comments about women in the workplace. Today, for example, I was riding the elevator with a complete stranger. A man who appeared to be in his sixties, wearing a suit and carrying a leather briefcase. When a pretty woman stepped onto the elevator with us, he turned to me, pointed at her behind her back, and winked.

And this isn't the first time something like this has happened to me. Just the other day, a complete stranger in my building commented on "the great scenery" when an attractive woman walked past us. It's been sort of surprising and I'm not quite sure how to respond.

Meat fantasia

It was Kitten's birthday yesterday and he felt the need to indulge in his inner carnivore to celebrate. Thus, we went to Espetus, a Brazilian churrascaria that also served as the location for Roommate J's birthday dinner last year.

We were much better behaved this time around, probably because we were overshadowed by a boisterous table of Germans (with a Brooke Hogan tranny look-a-like). Nonetheless, we filled our bellies with all sorts of meats and toasted Kitten's anniversary with goblets of sangria.

Afterward, when the party continued to a bar across the street, Panda!!!! walked home to catch up on The Hills and go to sleep.

We're sending you to...

MTV has been promoting the hell out of its new show Exiled, which takes bratty, bratty kids from its My Super Sweet 16 series and sends them to spend a week in a developing country. It's kind of the same concept as The Simple Life, but with a more worldly view.

These kids absolutely make me sick. After their indulgent parents spoil them to the point that they're unable to function on their own, they get rewarded with an amazing trip to a foreign country? I realize that these kids see this as a punishment, but I would love the chance to visit all of the places they're being "exiled" to: Thailand, Norway, Kenya, etc.

One brat, in particular, gets sent to Kerala, India, which is one of the most beautiful places I've ever had the great fortune to visit. Granted, I may have stayed in nicer accommodations and I didn't have to do chores with a native Indian family, but seriously, I really hope these little devils realize that they've been given an opportunity that so many people would be thrilled to take.

I'm sort of excited to see Bjorn's episode, where he gets sent to Morocco. That girl was a hot mess at her sweet 16 "fashionista" party. "All eyes on Bjorn!"

Up where they walk, up where they run

Yesterday evening, we assembled a large group to go to the sing-along version of The Little Mermaid at the Castro Theatre. Hundreds of people of all ages attended, many in costumes of their favorite characters. Each person received a goodie bag containing a crown, a fish noise maker, bubbles, a popper/streamer thingy, a dinglehopper, a glow stick and a pearl necklace. Understandably, it was a raucous event and audience participation was in full force.

Before the movie began there was a costume contest and a particularly detailed costume of Ursula was the winner. Somehow, he managed to beat out dozens of Ariels, a handful of Flounders and a little girl who was dressed as Melanie, apparently a character from The Little Mermaid II (I'll have to add that to my netflix queue).

Despite the presence of so many children, the gays weren't exactly on their best behaivor. Prince Eric elicited many sighs and more than one homo screeched whenever King Triton appeared on screen. Beetle and JJ Crackers may have missed most of the movie to do shots of jagermeister and for some reason Mahogany Sparkle felt it necessary to leave approximately seven minutes before the end.

Kiss off

Well, the final curtain descended upon the legendary Trannyshack last night and appropriately, we all showed up in our finest garb. Mattress combined two tragic wigs and paid homage to Heklina, the mistress of ceremonies, PorkChop rocked a hollowed-out head of cabbage like it was no one's business, Beetle and Blanca donned work-appropriate attire to bookend Mattress, Kitten twirled in flowing pink sleeves and my own outfit featured seersucker pants, two tank tops, a vest, a tie, body glitter and two smoldering eyes.

After spending several hours getting trashed and getting ready at Mattress and Beetle's, we cabbed it over to the Regency Center Ballroom to enjoy the show. I know that there were performances happening, but I really don't think I watched any of the show. Mostly we just spent time taking photos, drinking too much and acting silly with our friends.

As expected, there were drag queens and trannies galore, long lines for the bathrooms and homos - some fierce and some tragic - bouncing all around the ballroom. It was an appropriate end to a San Francisco institution like Trannyshack.

I only made it to the actual Trannyshack once during my time in San Francisco, mostly because it was held on Tuesday nights and didn't get going until midnight. The time I went, it was absolutely packed (like every Tuesday, apparently) and I couldn't see the stage because this ginormous drag queen was standing in front of me, obstucting my view. When I finished my drink and realized I couldn't get to the bar to get another or set my empty glass down, I decided to just slip it into the drag queen's messenger bag. I so wish I could have seen her confused face as she unpacked her bag later and found a glass within it.

Spork it over

For dinner tonight I picked up some juicy chicken and slaw from KFC. I was so pleased to see that they haven't abandoned the beautiful multi-utensil, the spork! Somehow, it makes eating that much more fun.

One night in Paris

I found in my spam folder an e-mail message with "Old man dies inside Paris Hilton" as the subject. So many thoughts cross my panda mind...

Locker room vigilante justice

One of my pet peeves is when someone spreads all their gym equipment onto the bench in the locker room as they go about their business. It's particularly annoying when someone leaves their dirty, sweaty clothes on the bench before disappearing to the showers for a while. They totally monopolize space that's supposed to be public and I'm not about to touch their filthy clothes to claim a bit of the space, so I typically do my thing in the corner, balancing on one foot, while I sneak my shoes on.

Well, today I was in a particularly salty mood and when I returned to my locker after showering and found sweaty clothes all over the bench and no site of the perpetrator, I decided I'd take action. After getting dressed, I sat on the corner of the bench, used my towel to wipe my feet dry and gently tossed the towel over the offending pile of clothes. I slipped my shoes on, threw my bag over my shoulder, and, since no one was looking, used the towel to pick up the guy's Calvin Klein boxer briefs. As I exited the locker room, I nonchalantly tossed my towel, wrapped around the sweaty underwear, into the bin where dirty towels are taken to the laundry.

And the best part is I know exactly who the underwear belonged to! The offender was a particularly creepy man whose stares have always made me uncomfortable. It's amazing how much better I felt as I left the gym. Justice totally lifts my spirits!

Endorsed by the candidate?

When I returned home last night from the movies with BoomCat, I had a message on my home telephone that was sort of alarming. It was from a computerized female voice and recited the following:

Hello ma'am. I'm with Lesbians for McCain. May I have a moment of your time? You sound like a woman who knows what she wants, means what she says and saves money like a thirsty black person in a flood. In other words, you're probably broke. Press one now to donate.

I have a feeling this message wasn't backed by the Senator's campaign. Selives, is that you?

Left at the next stoplight

Most people know that San Francisco and Los Angeles are pretty far apart, despite residing in the same state. So you can imagine my surprise when, as I was crossing the street to get to lunch, a car pulled into the crosswalk and a lady poked her head out to ask me, "Can you give me directions to Los Angeles?"

"Los Angeles?" I asked, incredulous.

The very lost lady didn't have a chance to respond because the car behind her leaned hard on the horn. And she was off! Presumably on her way to LA.

Tell me something I don't know

As I was walking down the street this morning, a little old man, dressed in pressed trousers and a clean button-down shirt, was walking a few paces ahead of me. He looked like everyone around us in the financial district, making our ways through the workday and going to meetings (or meeting-type appointments). In general, a very professional looking fellow who also carried a lovely briefcase.

Suddenly, without warning, he stopped in his tracks, turned to the edge of the sidewalk so that he could face each passerby and he whispered matter-of-factly to each one (including Panda!!!!), "You're going to hell."

Ain't the same

One of my biggest pet peeves is when an eatery promises avocado on a sandwich and instead you get a thin layer of faux guacamole. When I read the word "avocado" I expect slices of fresh avocado, not something squeezed out of a tube!

Feel the rain on your skin

Tonight marks the return of The Hills on MTV! More catfights! More vapid looks into space! More hair twirling! More douchey boyfriends!

I don't know why I love this so much, but I do.

Sorry, Storm Shadow

Early this morning, while I was in the security line at the Portland airport, I entertained myself by reading the television monitors that instructed travelers on which items they could not bring aboard the aircraft. Many of these were familiar and made sense. No knives, no explosives, no pocketknives, no bottles of water, no big bottles of toiletries, etc.

But one item caught my attention and seemed sort of out of place. No ninja stars! Seriously? Was it critical to list ninja stars among the prohibited items? Have folks tried to carry ninja stars aboard a plane before? Ridiculous.

Eco hotel

I spent today learning about the environmentally friendly attributes of the hotel I'm visiting in Portland. The team of people gathered approximately 30 company representatives to learn about their efforts and to take a behind-the-scenes look at the hotel's operations.

When the first presentation began, I realized I was the only male company representative and the only one who wasn't a member of a company's meetings and events department. My perspective was very different from the rest of the participants and I sort of wonder if the others left with the same thoughts I did.

While the other participants asked about hotel capacity, its ability to provide a buffet breakfast outside the ballroom, ways they could set up a tradeshow for the best "flow" and whether or not guests opposed the "bulk amenities dispensers" in the showers, my questions focused more on the validity of the company's carbon footprint assessment and whether or not they passed on the cost of these investments onto customers.

We toured the hotel's extensive recycling and composting program, admired its CFL light bulb retrofits, learned about its biodynamic gardening and sampled its cuisine made from locally sourced ingredients. Every step of the way, the general manager spoke as a father would speak about a new baby. It was nice to see how passionate he was about his team's accomplishments, but I couldn't help but think that they were able to implement all the cosmetic changes without serious consideration for how the hotel's operations could truly reduce its environmental impact and measure progress. I guess that's what happens without budget restrictions and a desire to showcase some good faith efforts.

Ultimately, it was a good visit and I enjoyed seeing the hotel operations. But more importantly, the general manager offered to comp my stays in the future!

Nifty Nastia

I stayed up way too late last night because I got sucked into the Olympic women's gymnastics all-around competition. Beetle had explained to me earlier that Shawn Johnson was heavily favored to win, and I could see why, since she really is a little packet of power.

But Shawn was neck-and-neck-and-neck with Nastia Lukin and a Chinese chick and I could not turn off my television! Even though I had an early start this morning, I remained transfixed to the television and watched through to the completion, where Nastia ended up winning it all!

The mix and mingle

I'm in Portland, visiting a hotel chain's environmentally friendly prototype hotel, along with several dozen of the chain's other customers. The tour and meetings commence tomorrow, but tonight was the welcome reception, complete with organic wines (ick), a sustainably raised beef dish, some tasty salmon nibbles and other yummy things. There's even a menu of cocktails featuring an organic vodka.

There were approximately three hotel staff for every company representative, so sadly, I was never left alone to graze at leisure. And because it was so hot in Portland today, I got to talk about the hot weather several dozen times. There were many discussions about San Francisco's foggy weather, its steep cost of living and how Portland is very similar to my hometown.

But I think all the other company representatives come from the meetings & events team, including three individuals from a certain Seattle-based, ubiquitous coffee company. Each person is incredibly perky, talkative and complimentary. Not being very adept at small talk, I did my duty and left for the night, seeking refuge in the Olympics broadcast.

Oregon trail

In a few hours I'm heading to Portland, OR for work and it made me think of the computer game "Oregon Trail" that we played in elementary school. I believe the intent of the game was to teach kids how to plan and prepare, but I'm not exactly sure it succeeded in my case.

I remember vividly having to insert big, black floppy disks into the computer, waiting for it to give me the signal to enter the next disk and continuing the process for several minutes in order for the game to load. When you were finally in the game and able to play, it prompted the user to answer several questions about rationing resources amongst different supply categories like food, weaponry, medicine and misc. It was always this last category, misc. that tripped me up.

For whatever reason, my young panda mind always mis-read "misc." as "music" and I thought it was all about entertainment. And I never allotted any of my dollars to that category and therefore never made it across the country to Oregon! I don't think I actually ever made it past the Mississippi River. Instead, some rogue "enemy" or scurvy would do me and my poor family in every single time.

Go for the gold

I've been moderately following the games of the XXIX Olympiad this week and have found myself sucked into the spectacle more than I expected to be. Some thoughts so far:

Holy architecture! I've been to Beijing before and the images that grace my television screen do not at all resemble my memories! The bird's nest stadium and the water cube are such interesting constructions and I'm totes envious that Lil' Bro' Panda!!!! is there to witness these architectural wonders in person.

Are my own glory days still to come? As a competitive swimmer, I often fantasized about swimming in the Olympics. As a lazy panda, I knew this would never be the case. But after watching the amazing men's 4x100 Free Relay, where Jason Lezak pulled a miracle out of his speedo, I wanted to leap back into the water and start training again! Mostly because Mr. Lezak and I are the same age and I remember him coming to prominence when I was still mildly competitive.

Is it really worth it? When I watch the little lady gymnasts compete, I think "mac truck" more than "pixie," no matter how much makeup they slather on and how sparkly the bows in their hair appear. They talk about various surgeries and injuries and these girls are only teenagers! Should we really allow them to put their bodies under so much stress?

I wish I had been a gymnast. The men gymnasts, on the other hand, have such enviable arms.

Sweatshops aren't limited to clothing factories. I first thought about the human labor that's going into these games when I heard about the eight-hour "rehearsals" that the performers had to endure for the Opening Ceremonies, where people bobbed up and down in synchronized fashion under boxes. It was an amazing illusion, but who really believes their training days were limited to eight hours? And are they getting paid? Did they get adequate breaks? These thoughts extend to the hostesses who pass out the medals and to numerous other little Chinese worker bees.

I still want to visit Barcelona. Even though the Spanish basketball team posed distastefully with slantey eyes, I hope one day to dispense some of my hard-earned cash money in their country as a tourist.

There's no chocolate inside! Why do medal-winning athletes put the things in their mouths? Granted, I probably would do the same if I were ever in that position.

Meh. There are just some sports I cannot watch on television. Like weightlifting. And badminton. And shooting.

Everybody's talking all this stuff about me

On my way back to the office from a meeting this morning, I was startled to hear very, very loud music. It seemed to be much louder than music that a passing car could make, yet I didn't see any parade floats. As I got closer to the din, I was surprised to see a man, dressed in rags, equipped with a large and elaborate speaker system and armed with a microphone.

He was singing Bobby Brown songs from the '80s, karaoke-style, and had some very nifty dance moves. During my walk, I had the pleasure of hearing "My Prerogative" and "Every Little Step." I heart San Francisco.

Dinner disaster

After drinking way too much yesterday afternoon with Mahogany Sparkle, Roommates A&J (Interestingly, Puppy and I spotted some Roommates A&J doppelgangers from and were both convinced it was them for a second. Then we realized our folly and were quite weirded out by it.), Lucy Ricardo and Beetle, Puppy and I decided we needed to watch the Olympics and order Chinese food (just like being in Beijing!).

So I called up a local Chinese restaurant (thanks to the menu I found hanging on my door when we got to my apartment) and placed an order for some yumminess. Sadly, Puppy wasn't feeling well and spent a bit of time by my toilet and I passed out on the couch, watching the television, waiting for our dinner to arrive.

When the phone rang and woke me up, a Chinese lady was on the other end, yelling at me and asking why we hadn't answered the door when our food arrived earlier. I explained that we did still want our food and I apologized for missing the delivery.

After hanging up with her, I realized we had missed the phone ringing six times! The poor delivery guy had been at the door, ringing the buzzer for about 15 minutes before returning to the restaurant. It wasn't until the seventh call that I was coaxed from my slumber.

Do you want to know how I got these scars?

Puppy and I finally made it to The Dark Knight yesterday evening, after an unsuccessful attempt a few weeks ago. We headed to the Sundance Kabuki Cinema where moviegoers can reserve seats in advance and enjoy an adult beverage and some nice food while watching the flick. It was a very civilized experience all around.

In my opinion, the movie was a bit too long, but enjoyable overall. It's true, Heath made a great Joker, but I think I could have done a convincing job opposite Christian Bale. His Batman voice was hysterical, distracting and difficult to understand at times. And Maggie Gyllenhaal makes a nice Katie Holmes doppelganger. I didn't realize just how much they resemble each other!

Free trial

My new job offers a discounted gym membership with a club that competes with my current one. So, I figured I'd at least check it out with a week pass.

It's probably four times the size of my current gym, with much more equipment, a nice pool and plenty of classes to take. But I'm realizing just how clean and orderly my current gym is and how comfortable I've grown working out there over the last four years.

My workouts yesterday and today have taken twice as long as usual because I don't know where anything is and I feel like I'm using machines for the wrong purpose. None of my friends are there so I have no one to talk to, but that could be a good thing. It certainly hasn't felt as busy as my current gym, but I haven't put it to the Monday post-work test yet.

We'll see, but my inclination is to go for the switch since it will mean saving quite a few dolla dolla billz.

Rock 'n kati roll

Puppy and I checked out the new "Indian eatery" in the 'hood last night and I found a new favorite piece of deliciousness - kati rolls! Basically, it's Indian yumminess wrapped in roti. I had three flavors: chicken tikka masala, lamb curry and karahi paneer. It was an Indian burrito!

Back to the grind

Well, it had to happen. My little Asia sojourn has come to an end and I'm back at the office, trying to un-bury myself from the mountain of e-mail and paperwork that amassed during my absence.

After more than a decade as a working panda, you'd think by now that I would check my inbox while on the road to avoid the crunch, but I guess I'm not that smart. Or really, I'm not that motivated to do work while on a little vacay.

It's been a busy day, but truthfully, the busywork has helped the day fly by...

Capelet crusader

Our last dinner in Macau was another traditional Chinese feast with delicious dishes that we gobbled up greedily, despite having essentially eaten our way around Macau.

While we were on our second course, I spotted a strangely dressed fellow, turned to my sister and whispered, "Look! He is wearing a plaid capelet! It's not a shirt! It's like a shrug that's clasped in the front around his neck!"

By the time Lil' Sis' Panda!!!! noticed, he had taken a seat so we couldn't really see whether or not my eyes had deceived me. So, I sent her on a little tour of the restaurant, after which she confirmed that he was indeed wearing a plaid capelet ... and incidentally he appeared to be clipping his toenails at the table. Our cousins clamored for a view, but alas, we could not really see him across the busy restaurant.

Later, around the fourth course, I tried to see our fashion-forward friend, but he had disappeared. Luckily, my sister saw the plaid garment draped across one of the waitress's arms and realized that the capelet was being loaned out to cold diners!

So, we requested two capelets at our table and took turns posing in the lovely garment, much to the confusion of our fellow diners but much to our own delight.

Macau, meal by meal

Our plan for today is to take a tour of Macau before returning to Hong Kong, so after a delicious hotel breakfast buffet, we all climbed into a bus to begin our tour. Sadly, the bus agency sent a smaller vehicle than requested so we had to take the bus and a few taxis over to our first stop, a traditional Portuguese restaurant.

Since the restaurant wasn't quite ready for our party of 30, we walked to a nearby temple, lit incense and cast our prayers. The sticks of incense were covered in gold glitter, which, unsurprisingly, ended up all over me.

After a delicious lunch (with some really yummy garlicky clams and another rice dish that was sort of like a soupy paella), we climbed into a larger bus that would hold our entire party. Unfortunately, said bus had a busted air conditioner so it was hot as balls. So hot, that we could not bear to be in it and we ended up going to the Venetian casino to partake in air conditioning.

The Venetian was huge and full of people - much more chaotic than our beloved MGM Grand. We all split up for an hour and a half - some people ran to the tables, others walked around and my mother, sister and I sought out the gondola rides. Unfortunately, the line to be serenaded was too long and we ended up hopping into a few stores before our rendez-vous time.

Now equipped with the original, air-conditioned bus and a smaller, air-conditioned coach, we began our real tour of Macau. First stop was a little bakery, famous for its Portuguese custard tarts. Literally after gobbling up a few dozen, we headed for another spot, famous for its pork sandwiches. Unfortunately, they were all sold out for the day, forcing us to spend time roaming the streets and spending money.

Next up, we headed to the Macau Tower, which we ascended to watch bungee jumpers. After taking in the view (and some coffee soft serve ice cream), Lil' Sis' Panda!!!! and I went around taking pictures at the arcade and with the gigantic stuffed Olympic mascots. We even found some free internet, from where I'm currently blogging.

Next up tonight, dinner, of course! It's been approximately 12 minutes since I last ate something.

Hotel, motel, Holiday Inn

We've been staying in the lap of luxury at the MGM Grand Casino Resort in Macau, but after a tour of Macau this afternoon, we'll be returing to the City Garden Hotel in Hong Kong. Even though we've been here only one night, I've gotten used to the real-sized beds, the spacious bathroom, complimentary bottles of water everywhere and the hotel amenities (like the Veuve Cliquot Lounge and the Dale Chihuly chandeliers and paintings).

Tonight I'll be back to a twin bed with an inch from the wall and three inches from the other twin bed, holding my Canadian cousin. No internet access and no breakfast buffet (Which, by the way, was a wonderful fusion of Western and Asian cuisines. Omelettes and dim sum and pastries and congee!).

I can't really complain though - it's a great deal and I'm not paying for it. I'm just saying there's a striking difference between accommodations. And I'm a spoiled panda.

Roulette reject

After another gut-busting dinner, Mama Panda!!!!, Lil' Sis' Panda!!!! and I cruised the casino floor to see if Lady Luck was on our side. We're not big gamblers, unlike the rest of my extended family, so we stuck to the baby games.

First, I tried my hand at the 20-cent slot machines - and of course I went straight to the Wild Panda machine. Well, the Wild Panda gobbled up my money like it was a stalk of bamboo! So, I tried another machine that featured ferocious looking dragons on it. Again, it inhaled my money!

Lil' Sis' Panda!!!! found herself at a roulette table, unable to make sense of how to play. It was a computerized contraption, where the wheel was automated and each player had a computer screen onto which they placed bets. A disembodied computerized woman voice called out where the ball landed and let players know how much time they had to place the next bet.

Combining our wits, Lil' Sis' Panda!!!! and I rode out $100 for about half an hour. We were up to $250 at one point, but we quickly tired of the "strategy" involved (and I just plain quickly tired) so we got kind of punchy toward the end and just bet haphazardly until we finally lost all our money and were free to go to sleep.

Durian

I've been confronted with the durian fruit everywhere in Macau so far. I've had durian pudding and a durian chocolate. I do not like durian. Many people claim that it's a delicious fruit once you get past the smell, but I disagree. Unless, of course, your idea of delicious tastes like rotten garbage.

Champagne wishes and caviar dreams

Lil' Sis' Panda!!!! and I took some time to explore the MGM Grand hotel this afternoon and we stumbled upon the Veuve Cliquot Lounge! A cute little be-retainered girl was gracious enough to indulge in our photo snapping and in our requests for her to take our photos.

Each time we thanked her, she blushed and said, "Oh, no need to thank. No need to thank." So we decided to sit down and have a glass of champagne and a "shot" of caviar. Quite a civilized way to kill time, I thought.

After our little indulgence, we cruised the casino floor and found a slot machine named Wild Panda! Clearly, I'll be hitting that particular slot later tonight...

Pool etiquette

I mentioned that we spent some time out by the pool today, taking in the sun. Also fun was taking in the poolside sights. Some of the more notable visions included:

* Papa Panda!!!! arriving in a pair of jammers. Jammers! Is that really appropriate for a panda of his age?
* A baby whose parents had inflated a tube around his neck so that the only reason he was able to breathe was because the floatie was keeping his little head above water. Though it seemed to be simultaneously choking him.
* A grody kid who was blowing snot-rockets into the pool.

MGMacau

This morning we woke up and took the ferry from Hong Kong to Macau. In our family, no reunion would be complete without the following:

* Obscene amounts of food
* Overflowing glasses of liquor
* Gambling

And since my grandmother likes nothing more than to flirt with lady luck on the casino floor, we arrived at the "Asian Vegas" to take over the MGM Grand. After another hearty dim sum meal, we split up.

Approximately 30 of us are now roaming around the island. Some are at the hotel's baccarat tables, others have gone to alternative casinos where they expect to have better luck and a few have gone to tour the island.

Meanwhile, Lil' Sis' Panda!!!!, a few cousins and I went to the hotel pool to get some sun. We frolicked in the water until the sun left and sipped some cocktails poolside. It's nice to be someplace where summer doesn't mean cold, foggy days, like in San Francisco. And it was nice to be in a hotel where we could just relax for a few hours, not feel obligated to spend time with the rest of the family, and just decompress a bit.

Birthday bash

The entire reason I'm in Hong Kong is to celebrate my grandmother's birthday. There's no consensus on how old she's turning. It's either 90 or 88, but no one seems to know for sure.

We got all dolled up and headed to a big Chinese dinner banquet where tables were set up for partygoers to play mah jong and there was a television hooked up to two microphones for painful Chinese karaoke.

We endured a full two hours of family photos, each with my grandmother at the center. The photographer, an amateur, didn't really seem to know what to do while five people yelled art direction at him. It was like all these Chinese Jay Manuels were posing a gaggle of difficult and disappointing model contestants.

Finally, we enjoyed several courses of Chinese meal, each course more extravagant and exotic than the one before. My favorite was this mashed potato/crab/cheese/mushroom concoction that was molded into a crab shell and baked to perfection. I ate two.

Several cousins got trashed. Others cried. It was a lovely and loud dinner and afterward, I was wiped out. I went back to the hotel to crash, but thanks to my jet laggy, I was up at 5:30am.

Overall though, grandma seemed very happy to have everyone around her. She also seems a bit overwhelmed, and at times, she seemed annoyed that we were pulling her away from her mah jong game to take photos.

Stuffed

This morning, Mama Panda!!!!, Lil' Sis' Panda!!!! and I went around town. We dropped Lil' Sis' Panda!!!! off at the salon (named "Lady Channel") where she would spend the next 1.5 hours getting her eyelashes extended.

Meanwhile, Mama Panda!!!! and I did some shopping, ate mango pudding and met up with Cousin Steppynose, who moved to Hong Kong about a month ago. We meandered back to the salon, gathered Lil' Sis' Panda!!!! up and met an uncle and seven cousins for dim sum.

Summer in Hong Kong is kind of on the oppressively hot side, so I enjoyed every opportunity enter air conditioned locations. This meant eating quite a bit today and now I'm one stuffed panda.

I have approximately two hours before we all meet to go to dinner, in celebration of my grandmother's birthday. Oy.

The peak

Last night, when we landed in Hong Kong after the 13-hour flight (through which I slept for approximately 30 minutes), my uncle picked us up from the airport and whisked us off to dinner at "The Peak." As in Victoria's Peak.

My grandmother, about 15 uncles and aunts and 10 cousins all gathered for a delicious meal at my uncle's house, overlooking all of Hong Kong. It was a beautiful night (not too humid, not cold) and we feasted on a seven-course meal consisting of the following:

Shrimp cocktail with mango salsa
French onion soup
Baked lobster with noodles
Bakes salmon
Pork tenderloin
Ginger cake
Kiwi cake

Over the four-hour meal, we all caught up, laughed and drank. Meanwhile, I struggled to stay awake and I must say that I was quite a trooper, nodding politely when several people asked when I was going to get married, smiling when people said my Chinese is horrendous and silently chewing when someone suggested the solution to all my problems would be to find a Chinese girlfriend. Preferably one from Shanghai.