It's getting hot in here

For San Francisco in August, the past few days have been scorchers! I can't remember the last time I was able to go out at night in jeans and a t-shirt and feel warm. It's a nice feeling and hearkens back to Panda!!!!'s days as a DC resident - only without the oppressive humidity.

With that, you'd expect the city to be all ... alive , bustling with activity and excitedly enjoying summer libations. Unfortunately, that didn't seem to be the case last night.

I met up with GarGar and his buddy from New York for a night on the town, but it seemed like no one was out. Maybe people had already left town for the long weekend? It's a mystery.

Another consequence of the hotter-than-average weather is the Spare the Air campaign, which discourages people from driving and polluting by offering public transportation for free. I do commend the campaign's objectives, but as a monthly muni pass holder, I feel sort of gypped!

Breakfast of champions, part deux

Internets, an anonymous kind soul left a handful of Snickers miniatures on my chair at The Corporation. Shall this serve as my breakfast - the most important meal of the day?

When I was a cub, we had an au pair who would help Mama Panda!!!! with some of the household chores. She was also responsible for feeding Lil' Sis Panda!!!! (at the time approximately 3 years old) her daily breakfast. When Mama Panda!!!! discovered that the be-wigged au pair consistently fed Lil' Sis Panda!!!! ice cream for breakfast, she was given her walking papers.

Despite these childhood lessons - that ice cream, candy and cake are not for breakfast (yet danishes, donuts and waffles are?) - the Snickers miniatures are traveling down to my gullet as I type.

I come to suck your bloooood...

Yesterday morning, Panda!!!! had to get some bloodwork done, and thus visited the lab where they perform the ritual sacrifice of blood removal.

I think I'm sort of a wimp when it comes to drawing blood, and that probably explains why two months have elapsed since the time my doctor ordered these tests and the time I actually went to the lab. The technician usually has a hard time finding a vein, and yesterday was no exception. The new sensation, however, came when he did find a vein, but had to root around in there for a while - turning, rotating and twisting the needle around. I nearly passed out just looking at that!

I don't really mind looking at the blood; in fact, I'm sort of fascinated by the vaccum tubes they use to coax the blood out. Why doesn't it continue to flow once the tube is removed? I sort of expect blood to spurt all over the place, but it doesn't.

The problem I have is that the sensation of feeling blood getting sucked out of my arm freaks me out. Maybe it's in my head, but I swear I can feel it being sucked out of my arm. I also don't like watching it flow liberally into the tube.

Moreover, whenever they take out blood for multiple tests, it seems like quite a lot of blood for me to give up. Four vials! Can I really live without those vials of life-giving blood? It doesn't seem right.

My minor trauma sparked a lively conversation amongst the Swerve and I learned several things:

* Flabs does not understand why some folks get freaked out about having their blood drawn
* BFJ is not a fan of having blood drawn and has been known to pass out
* Shotgun coincidentally had her blood drawn at the same time as Panda!!!! and rewarded herself in a similar manner (eggs and potatoes) for surviving the ordeal
* Franny and her family used to tease her poor brother who's afflicted with some condition that causes him to pass out whenever blood is drawn (or when he gets a pap smear)

Forever in blue jeans

One of The Corporation's competitors is running a television commercial that caught my eye recently. I'd seen the original version a few times and thought it was interesting, but nothing groundbreaking:

Then I saw the gay'ed up version, which got me thinking:

Levi's is another SF-based clothing company that is known for its socially responsible business practices. In fact, I learned this morning that its corporate headquarters is working to ban bottled water from its headquarters. In case you're wondering why, here are some statistics about bottled water:

* The Natural Resources Defence Council found 25% of US bottled water brands to contain bacterial or chemical contamination
* 38 billion water bottles end up in US landfills each year
* 37,000 tractor-trailers transport bottled water shipments each week
* It takes 18 million barrels of oil to produce the global supply of water bottles each year
* US EPA drinking-water quality standards for tap water are more stringent than those for bottled water

Ads aimed at my homo-sensibilities? Efforts to save the planet? I must give our competitors a hearty congratulations - and hope that The Corporation can keep up!

Get your fash on

Internets, I've noticed a fairly disturbing trend that I pray is exclusive to San Francisco.

This fair city in which I live is known for its eclectic and permissive tastes, but I think it's gone too far. I've noticed that some folks have taken the "mission hipster" aesthetic to a new level and they seem to purposefully assemble outfits that resemble those of homeless people! I've seen people out with unkempt hair, greasy jeans, dirty tank tops, muddy shorts and a glazed expression on their faces. It's like homeless chic is the new rage - but please know that this panda will not be jumping on this particular bandwagon.

The coldest winter

Well, it's Kitten's birthday and we're off to celebrate with cocktails! In the park. It's typically August San Francisco though and it's overcast and mayhaps a bit foggy. I thought we ordered sun!

A shrimp on the barbie

Internets, it's been a lovely and productive day. When I awoke and made my way to the gym, it was cloudy and overcast. Fortunately, the sunshine made its way through by mid-day because I had a barbeque to attend!

it took some motivating, but Blanca and I met up with Roommates A&J, Selives and Beetle to attend Vibrating Crackhead's summer barbeque. It was one of those rare San Francisco August days where the sun was out and shining and the temperature was perfect!

After the barbeque, we headed to the bar, had some drinks, and I may have fallen asleep on the couch shortly thereafter. It's time for Kitten's birthday celebration, so I'm on my way to Mattress and Beetle's to before heading out again. I'm so lucky my couch is such a comfortable resting place!

I think the highlight of today so far is that I purchased a CD with remixes of Rihanna's "Don't Stop the Music" and "Breaking Dishes." Kitten and Selives are supposed to have a fan vogue-off tonight. I wonder what song will play whilst they battle!

Community involvement

Last night was the annual BAR AIDS fundraiser where several of the local bars set aside some of the night's proceeds to benefit the STOP AIDS project. So of course we had to do our part and participate in this worthy cause.

I met up with Roommates A&J, Blanca, Mahogany Sparkle and Selives for a bit of bar-hopping and revelry. I loved that everyone out and about seemed to be of the same mindset - drinking for a good cause! As if we needed an excuse...

Billie Jean is not my lover

On my way to The Corporation headquarters this morning, a man was coming at me on the sidewalk - backwards. He was moonwalking! Down the sidewalk! This city is full of nutjobs.

Is Chrissy the new Lauren/L.C.?

Last night's episode of "Newport Harbor" featured all the things that made "Laguna Beach" must-see TV in my book:

* Rich kids planning a party
* Rich kids "acting" drunk at said party
* The promise of high school hookups
* The reality of unrequited love
* High school self-consciousness and awkwardness
* Discussion of good and bad outfits
* Parents who have been under the knife three too many times
* A girl kissing the boy her "best friend" is crushing on
* Gratuitous shots of beautiful people frolicking on the beach

And it's clear that Chrissy is no Kristin. She can't play the boys like K. Cav. was able to, but I find it really cute and endearing. Chrissy is a little less self-assured, a little more naive. She's eager to be loved and wants to maintain her good girl image. She's the new Lauren Conrad!

I'm too cute! You can't eat me!

Internets, look at the candy I found at the market today! It's Panda brand licorice! Unfortunately, it tastes like poop.

Good stuff

Internets, this week has brought some good news as it relates to my nighttime activities.

Firstly, I learned that Kristen Bell, the erstwhile Veronica Mars, will be joining the cast of "Heroes" for a stint! I love me my Kristen! And although "Heroes" probably won't ever make it into my top-tier-must-watch-religiously group of shows, it's very entertaining.

And number B, HBO has renewed "Flight of the Conchords," a hilarious series about some retarded kiwis trying to make it big in New York. Seriously, this show is sort of like "The Office" and "Extras" with a healthy dose of MTV thrown in. How could you not like it?

Jokesters

A friend and I were discussing practical jokes and I described a series of events that my friend Reebs and I executed as a prank on our pal Dickinator.

After returning to our alma mater for homecoming weekend, Reebs and I returned to our home in Washington DC. We had in our possession a brassiere that Dickinator had left behind when she departed our dear college campus for her home in Boston.

Rather than send the lacey black bra directly back to Dickinator, Reebs and I decided to have a little fun with it. Imagine being in Dickinator's position, home in Boston and receiving her bra in the mail, with a note explaining that she had left it behind and that it was so great seeing her after so many months apart.

Imagine the next week when a package of photographs arrives, each photo depicting her bra in a different location in our home. On the front porch. In a blender. In Reebs's room. In Panda!!!!'s room. Affixed to a lampshade. Draped seductively over some cans of tuna.

Then, imagine a week later when another package of photographs arrives, this time with the bra in various locations around our nation's capitol. In front of the White House. With the Washington Monument in the background. At Panda!!!!'s place of employment!

But it didn't end there! The following week, Dickinator received yet another package of photographs. This time, her undergarment was being worn by complete strangers. Panda!!!!'s swim teammates! Random people at our Halloween party! A former classmate! Somehow, the bra even ended up in Panda!!!!'s and Reebs's mouths.

Ah Internets, we were silly kids with time on our hands. Still, it made for a series of great photographs!

Celeb sighting: Filthy Gorgeous

I forgot to mention that yesterday, while chicken juice and honey goo was dripping down my fingers and arms at Juanita MORE's funky fried chicken dinner, we sat mere feet away from a celebrity. Yes, Ana Matronic of the Scissor Sisters was at the next table (sans wig)!

Return of tapey

In college, my friends used to tease me that I had a tapeworm because I constantly ate mountains of food, yet never became obese. But I was a growing panda and swimming 20 hours a week, so it all seemed to work out.

Yesterday, however, I think the tapey returned. It started innocently enough, with a ginormous brunch with my cousins and my siblings. We went to a great brunch spot in the Haight where I feasted on huevos rancheros deluxe! I may also have nibbled at my sister's biscuit...

A mere three hours later, it was time for Juanita MORE's funky fried chicken dinner. Still stuffed from brunch, my original intent was to order a sensible salad, but once I spotted the plates of fried chicken with honey goo, I couldn't resist. So Panda!!!! dove in and devoured 1/2 a chicken and even took a few bites of carrot cake.

But why, oh Internets, did I snack on veggie "sausages" and almonds when I returned home after dinner to watch television? Why can't I stop eating?!

Gold dust woman

The theme for last night was gold!

It was grandpa and grandma's 60th wedding anniversary celebration and the entire clan gathered for a mutli-course banquet at a Chinese restaurant. The grandparents seemed so thrilled to see all their family and friends gathered (120 people!) and we all enjoyed the delicious food. The highlight, of course, was the mango mousse cake, which had gold leaf flakes all around the sides! And grandma had a lovely Chinese-inspired jacket that was lined with gold fabric!

Furthermore, this morning, when I woke up to meet the siblings and cousins for brunch, I looked in the mirror and noticed that my hair was shimmery with gold glitter. Last night I ended up at Mattress and Beetle's house with a bunch of friends and we fully utilized the canister of gold spray-on glitter on the kitchen table. Panda!!!! was all sparkles...

Dear Diary,

As a little Panda!!!! in high school, I would often lounge with VALedictorian and SameBrain at SameBrain's parents' home in the hills. We'd watch television, eat bad food (and the occasional orange thanks to SameBrain's mom) and talk about our friends and enemies.

Once, I found a diary that SameBrain had started in junior high school. Being a crafty little panda, I expertly forged some entries in the diary (SameBrain's handwriting was fairly simple to mimic). Months later, SameBrain's mom found the diary and asked her about some of the more questionable and controverial entries!

Well, SameBrain found the diary this past weekend and re-typed the forged entries. Internets, here they are, for your reading pleasure...

Jan. 27 (next to graphic of smiling sun)
Today at lunch I was kissing Brian behind the gym at lunch and Christine found us. Boy was I embarassed! Because she said we're neighbors so we can't go together. I'm very upset with her. She is so lame. I want to stab her in the eye! I could almost die! Except I got a B- on my math test. I can't believe stupid [VALedictorian] beat me! I'm going to beat her up!

Jan. 28 (next to cartoon of [VALedictorian] smiling with a black eye)
It was a very good day because when she was eating lunch (I mean [VALedictorian] the stupid girl who beat me in math. I went over to where she sits and I punched her in the eye. I hope she goes blind and then she couldn't see the math test and she would get an F-!

Jan. 29 (two unsmiley faces)
Brian and I broke up today because he said his mom didn't want us to go together anymore. It's all that dumb Christine's fault. I want her to die.

Feb. 12 (three smiley faces)
It sure is a good thing Brian and I broke up because today he showed me that he has marijuana in his pocket. He's a very bad boy. Drugs are so harmful to your body. I think it's a bad idea for anyone to get high.

Tricky pseudonyms

A friend wrote me this e-mail today and it made me giggle:

How do I find your blog?? I went to the link, but it was some article posted by a person named "Panda" about "BFF" and they had two roommates (A&J) so I knew it couldn't possibly be your pen name... I tried searching [Panda!!!!'s birth name] but it didn't get me anywhere -- do you have a more exact link? I'm dying to read your stuff.

What do you do with a B.A. in English?

It's like "Sesame Street" meets "Rent"!

VALedictorian, Leedle Zeester and I went to see "Avenue Q" tonight. None of us really knew what the show was about, except that it had puppets. Well, these puppets sang, swore, fornicated and pondered the meaning of life!

Watching puppets have very explicit sex and use vulgar language was very surreal, but it made for a pretty fantastic show. It was just what I needed for this mellow Friday evening.

It was very nice seeing Leedle Zeester, who was in town visiting whilst on break from pursuing her advanced studies in "The Real World" and "90210." I was glad to see that she's enjoying her program and is considering extending her studies and becoming a Dr. of the T.V.

And I'm glad that VALedictorian and I have our little theater dates throughout the year. It's sad that we don't catch up more often, but we're busy worker bees so I feel lucky to have any time with her at all!

Friends forever!

For the last few months, BritDJ's been hosting a Thursday night party called "BFF," which stands for "Before Friday Funk." Well, the Before Friday Funk is now defunct, since last night's was the last party.

Per usual, BritDJ kept the tunes popping (and even threw in a little JoJo meets Toto remix!) and we came out in full force to support! I "dragged" Roommates A and J to the event (they were happily trying a new green tea malt liquor, being slung by fugs in orange visors at the bar) and we met up with Selives, Blanca and PorkChop, who regaled us with tales of his jet-setting adventures.

It was a very fun time, even if Selives and I did show up in the same t-shirt! Our cosmic connection strikes again!

je resens ce qui nous sépare ...

All this Frenchy talk makes me think of the incomparable Mylène Farmer and how Flabs and I would listen to this lovely song while daintily munching on café noir cookies in Paris. Perhaps if I had seen the video, I might not have loved it as much as I do. I miss the FNAC!

j'avais perdu l'enfer ...

Internets, I've been totes froggy lately and the francophile in me has been emerging. I had a fun night with the amigas tonight, but I'll elaborate on that later. In the meantime, I really feel like listening to a bit of Pascal Obispo!

A company's role in society

After a year and a half of worky, The Corporation is finally releasing its third social responsibility report today. This is the same project that Panda!!!! has been managing for a lifetime - the same one that forced me to spend time in a ghetto casino and to endure some sleepless nights.

I'm proud to say that this is our most interesting and comprehensive report to date. We discuss what social responsibility means to The Corporation, why we work hard to improve factory working conditions, how we try to reduce our impact on the environment and how we're trying to get customers involved in our efforts.

Now I just have to wait and see how everyone reacts to it. Hopefully it will be positive otherwise I may be searching for a new jobby!

Stood up

I was supposed to meet up with SameBrain for a drinkie or two after her dinner with a married man, but she's not returning my texts or voice messages! I guess I've been stood up!

No matter, this is a great opportunity for me to catch up on "Big Love." I'm two episodes behind!

Paris, je t'aime!

Franny turned me on to this here bloggie that details some of the culinary treasures one can find in Gay Paree. Reading through his suggestions, I begin to wax nostalgic at the four months I spent in Paris, as a young panda, honing my français while exploring this marvelous city with a gaggle of friends.

I remember playing "I never" with the girl who didn't quite get it and used every turn to tell a hilarious and bizarre story about her youth.

I remember desperately wanting to open a bottle of wine, but being unable to do it, so we jammed the cork down the middle of the bottle's neck, where it got stuck. We punctured a hole through the cork and slurped it up while sitting on a sidewalk at 4 in the morning.

I remember dining with my veuve, Mme. Grolleron, who would excitedly cut a chunk of her baguette with such force that she would nearly develop whiplash every time.

I remember sitting in class at La Sorbonne and thinking that French classrooms were so old, stately and ornate.

I remember walking to a friend's apartment, dressed to explore the ravey underbelly of the city and being mistaken for a prostitute.

I remember the weird co-ed showers with men in thongs when I tried one afternoon to practice with a French swim team.

I remember the American girls in my program who fell in love with French boys and gave it up in the name of true romance.

I remember going out with my friend and her best friend's hot boyfriend with the tribal tattoo on his scalp, who decided that he wanted to try kissing a boy for the first time and declared that we needed to make out all night.

I remember cooking French dinners with Flabs, using unrefrigerated milk in tetrapacks, while listening to "Comme J'ai Mal" by Mylène Farmer and "Personne" by Pascal Obispo.

I remember all the macarons, the fallafel, the baguettes, the crêpes, the paninis, the fromage, the fondue, the ... omigod the food was so delish!

Ahem, anyway, it was a lovely time in a young panda's life and I'll list the blog up in the "cubiclentertainment" section for y'all to read along if you wish!

Breakfast of champions

Malted milk balls are good for you, right? I hope so because I've already eaten a half-dozen this morning, and the trend does not seem to be abating.

Les souvenirs

Of all the friends I'm in contact with today, SameBrain is probably the one I've known the longest, with one or two exceptions. Panda!!!! was thrilled to hear that she was visiting San Francisco for a little work assignment, thus enabling us to spend a lovely dinner together.

We tucked ourselves away at a little French bistro where everything was absolutely exquisite and perfect. We had escargôts en croute, three kinds of patés, a tangy lemony trout for me and a perfectly prepared cow for her. Even our champagne cocktails (bellini! kir royale!) were perfectly made - not too sweet, yet full of flavor.

Our conversation ranged from current gripes about our jobs to our lackluster love lives to the delicious food to woes about our crazy families and, of course, to Lauren Conrad of "The Hills." Like many pairs of old friends, we can quickly pick up our conversations where we last left off, even if it's been months. A friendship that spans years of our antics (singing our respective roles to "Here Comes Your Man"; rapping "Short, tall, skinny, flacas! Even y'all with the big ol' knockas!"; fashioning our own outfits "It's easy, all you need is a pattern, right?"; eating ho-ho's while watching skinemax ... ) is fairly strong by now and we've definitely evovled together.

Anyway Internets, it was a terrific night that was cut off only because we're too old to go on! This responsible Panda!!!! is heading to bed before reporting to The Corporation for some envelope stuffing tomorrow morning!

"Stuffing" should refer only to Stove Top

Panda!!!! was not wired for clerical work. After a day of typing addresses into a spreadsheet, struggling with mail merge, printing labels and letters, I spent several hours stuffing envelopes with The Corporation's soon-to-be-released Social Responsibility Report. You may remember it as the document that caused Panda!!!! to wake up every few hours and live in a ghetto version of a Vegas casino.

I guess some people are good at work of this nature. Not me. I am super cranky.

Will the real Orange County please stand up?

According to all the MTV commercials and previews, “Newport Harbor: The Real Orange County” is supposed to premiere tomorrow night, Wednesday. Imagine my surprise and delight when a sneak peek ran after last night’s hour-long season premiere of “The Hills”!

“Newport Harbor” follows three sudsy seasons of “Laguna Beach,” the show that introduced us to Kristin Cavalleri and Lauren Conrad, two twenty-somethings in whose lives I have a far too unhealthy interest. The first two seasons were grand, but season three was pretty sucky due to the introduction of self-aware, narcissistic fugly gals Kyndra and Cami.

I’m thrilled to say MTV’s decision to abandon Laguna to shift focus on Newport Harbor was a genius idea! I already love the lead gal, Chrissy – a cute girl who reminds me of Denise Richards, only smarter – and has some very strict parents who won’t let her party with her underage friends. And I’m sure it’s just clever editing, but her nemesis Allie is a perfectly boobalicious tramp! This is going to be a great season.

The best part? They kept La Duff’s “Come Clean” as the opening song and every frame seems to be soaked in honey-sunset lighting!

Chi-town musings

Panda!!!! has returned home to San Francisco, after the extended weekend in Chicago visiting Gerbil. It was a fun weekend overall, and it definitely was nice to see Gerbil adjusting to his fabuloso condo in his new city. Per usual, Gerbil has found the cutest, most fabulous posse to run around town with and it was fun to spend the weekend in their care.

I'll be the first to admit that my Chicagoland experiences were from the absolute narrowest slice of what the city has to offer, but of course I have formed some strong impressions from the weekend...

Things I liked:
* Chicago is home to some of the most beautiful men and women I've seen in a while
* Hot summer nights - I remember these from my years in DC and I wish we had more of these in SF
* Clean sidewalks, lined with trees, flowers and grassy nature-type stuff
* Gerbil's new digs - made me jealous of the buying power of his salary in Chicago!

Things that make me appreciate SF:
* Why must everygay wear camouflage cargo shorts?
* I'm looking forward to a conversation that doesn't reference steroids or drugs
* Bars and clubs that advertise a closing time but abruptly stop the music and flip on the lights 50 minutes prior to said time
* That SF edge that seems to be missing in many (all?) other American cities

Feelin' old in the windy city

After sleeping through my alarm yesterday, I managed to snag a seat on a later flight to Chicago. Not only did I manage to snag a seat, United put me in FIRST CLASS! It was a lovely way to start my journey, and I didn't even have to pay for it!

So I arrived in Chicago, met Gerbil and some other pals, and we hit the town. Mostly, we've spent a lot of time waiting in lines, but we ended up sweating in a little bar that was packed with wasted boys and girls. You see, they'd all been boozing it up since the early part of the day at the North Halsted Market Days Festival. I had not. I was sober sister and I think people thought I was sort of a miserable killjoy.

The thing I've noticed most about Chicago boys - they're boys. I feel so old!

Grounded

I think this past week's excitement, last night's celeb encounter and perhaps the booze has caused me to miss my plane this morning! I completely slept through my 4:00am alarm.

The last time I missed my flight, I was in Chicago with Bill Paxton. We went gate to gate and I finally returned home late that night. Bill Paxton had to sleep over, but I don't feel too bad for him since he hooked up with a fella from West Hollywood. Off to the airport for the standby dance!

Let the rain fall down, I'm coming clean

Internets, if you've been a careful reader, you know that I do like my Hilary Duff. Well, tonight, thanks to Kitten, I MET HER!!! You see, Bill Paxton's former flame was hosting an event at a new club tonight and H. Duff was the special guest!!

We waited around a bit and then she showed up, acted graciously and took pictures like the expert paparrazi subject that she is! I love her even more now than I did before, if possible. One of my favorite parts was when I told Hilary, "I think you're great - you're not all messed up like Lindsay. What would you do if you ran into her today?" And Hilary replied, while flexing her biceps (which were quite toned), "I would fuck her up!" Oh, Hilary, you are such a badass! I heart you!

I sort of wish I was going to see her concert tomorrow, but instead, I will be going to Chicago to visit Gerbil. I may not be blog-o-matic for the next few days. Just picture Panda!!!! basking in the glow of La Duff!

Tranny panda

Mahogany Sparkle sent me the following newsflash about a TrannyPanda...

A panda thought to be a man finally gets the chance to live as a woman! Born in 1996, Jinzhu exhibited "inconspicuous secondary sex characteristic and behavior" and, thus, Chinese zoologists assumed her to be a him.

They got a rude surprise, however, when Jinzhu refused to mate with "his" female companions. Researchers report, "When the pandas showed complete disinterest, experts decided to turn to artificial insemination, leading to the discovery that Jinzhu had no penis." Poor thing.

Most of us know how to find a penis and may say "Oh, stupid doctors, can't find a dick". Apparently it's not that easy with pandas - their dicks are only 3 centimeters long. Not coincidentally, female and gay Pandas aren't size queens.

Now that Jinzhu's vagina has been discovered, she's put it to good use by delivering twins. Congrats, Jinzhu the tranny panda! Let's hope they're less "inconspicuous".

Kill all the yellow flowers!

After last night's Iron Chef competition and dinner (and the after-party in a co-worker's hotel room), Panda!!!! was mighty tired this morning. But I mustered the energy necessary for a few hours of volunteering with the rest of The Corporation U.N. at Chrissy Field.

It was a remarkably sunny and warm day and our task was to remove dandelions from a gigantic field, using tools that resembled shovels and pick-axes. This was not an easy feat, let me tell you. Lots of whacking at the soil, grabbing these nasty little weeds and forcing them, by the roots, out of the soil.

Delusional from our tiring week, one of the delegates from Mexico kept declaring, "In my home country, where I come from, we give these yellow flowers for mothers' day!" Vicky, darling, that's why we have border patrol. To keep loonies like you out of our country!

Tonight's ingredient is...

Tonight, The Corporation U.N. will be holding its annual "challenge," aimed to "teambuild" and foster camaraderie. This year, we've planned an "Iron Chef" challenge, where teams will prepare hors d'oeuvres for everyone to share.

As one of the organizers, I was eager to dress up as the Chairman Kaga character, complete with shiny, sparkly cape, yellow bell pepper and menacing grimace. Well, it seems the boss-man wants to claim that role so Panda!!!! is relegated to a less "flamboyant" role tonight. I guess I'll have to be the sartorial dud Shinichiro Ota. Sad.

The Corporation U.N.

Internets, this week we have the pleasure of hosting our entire global team in San Francisco. We only assemble once a year, so the week is filled with activities, training, meals, and maybe even a little boozey dancing.

Our team hails from approximately two dozen countries all around the world and they all have such interesting and varied backgrounds. I feel so lucky to be part of an organization that has formed tight bonds across country borders and oceans, and that cares so deeply about the welfare of people and our planet.

On the converse, I am tremendously busy this week, making sure people are in the right place, at the right time - and ensuring that we don't leave anyone behind at dinner or at their hotel. It's like I'm a panda scout den mother! And it's for all these reasons that I'm unable to be my usual post-o-matic, so I apologize for the radio silence!

Shy panda

ERausch sent a pretty random e-missive last night, directing a few of us to a line of modest swimwear for the ... more conservative set. I hadn't heard from ERausch in about a year, so this message came out of the blue, yet that's her style, so I'm not wholly surprised.

In college, ERausch was one of the speediest swimmers at our school, but more than that, she was an absolute delight to have on the team. Humble, determined, hilarious, always upbeat and positive, ERausch was one of those special ones who could always make you feel good with her infectious giggle. Plus, she was a champ at shotgunning beers!

The hills are alive!

Internets, in one short week, one of my fave guilty pleasures will return to the halcyon airwaves of MTV. Yes, "The Hills," chronicling the antics of Lauren, Heidi, Whitney and Audrina, will make its Season 3 premiere!

They certainly aren't the smartest girls, and I know that the drama and plot are mostly manufactured by MTV puppetmasters, but I am hooked! And I have been ever since Lauren Conrad began as "Lauren/L.C." on "Laguna Beach."

Some of you may pooh-pooh my love for this show, but let me list a few choice quotations from Seasons 1 and 2. Perhaps this will give you a little insight into why I am so excited for Season 3:

"This salad's like a party!"

"Remember, this is the TeenVogue way of doing things."

"I watched my best friend cry because of what your best friend did to her!"

"You can't eat me! I'm too cute!"

"Lauren didn't go to Paris. She's always going to be known as the girl who didn't go to Paris."

"But you have chosen!"

"Naked picnic?"

"Every day used to be Lauren and Heidi day."

"I love you so much, I'm eating carbs for your birthday!"

"How was your summer at the beach with your boyfriend? Did that work out for you?"

I don't know if I can wait seven days...

And ... ACTION!

In the event that news reporters ask Panda!!!! any questions about his jobby, The Corporation requested that he undergo media training today. Basically, this consisted of many exercises, most of them filmed, in a tiny, hot room with about 9 other worker bees.

They say the camera adds 10 pounds, but I think that's being conservative. I think the camera added at least 20 pounds to my frame, but then again, I may still be over-stuffed from last night's delish feast at Mattress & Beetle's abode. Said feast, which was lovingly and painstakingly prepared by all, consisted of large steaks, cheesey potato yumminess, asparagus, copious amounts of wine, fresh guac, some sort of cheese ball (which was rolled in almonds, much to my dismay since I had thought it was bacon) and ... homemade ice cream!

I am very motivated to hit the gym today.

Bawdy art

Tonight, while shopping at the local grocery store for dinner ingredients, I spotted something a bit alarming. As a diligent worker bee for The Corporation, I'm all for brand loyalty, but this fellow I saw took the concept a bit too far. You see, Internets, he was wearing a Puma brand track jacket, a Puma cap and Puma sneakers. On top of all that, he had ... a Puma logo tattoo on his neck! Ick!

A few minutes later, my pals spotted a boy with his name tattooed over his eyebrow. I guess it was in case he forgot it someday...

I guess we would have had to go back to my place

Last night at the MTP anniversary party, I was enjoying a cupcake and chatting with an overzealous "Days of Our Lives" fan, when suddenly, I felt someone blowing on the back of my neck. I turned around to see a little blond bearded man smiling seductively and trying to put a lime green jellybean in my mouth. His dirty little fingers, with grime caked under his nails, warned me not to accept his little treat, so I turned around and resumed my conversation.

Later, when I half-jokingly told The Ringmaster that a homeless man had tried to hit on me, he exclaimed, "How did he get back in? We kicked him out!" Ah, Internets! I certainly do attract the classiest suitors.

Happy tranny-versary!

All the important SF establishments seem to be having their very fancy anniversary parties tonight! I met up with Selives and Roommates A&J to go to the MTP 2-year anniversary party. There, we met up with GarGar, Bill Paxton (still trying to think of another pseudonym) and BrightEyes. It was one of those parties where there was booze and cupcakes and a singer and an opportunity to purchase a limited edition t-shirt. 'Twas funzo.

After the MTP anniversary, GarGar, Bill Paxton, Selives and I went to another bar where we enjoyed some beverages and Panda!!!! started recording some choice quotations (more on that later). It was a great time to relax and get ready for anniversary number dos.

Internets, Number Dos was off the chain! It was the First Anniversary party for Juanita MORE's Playboy party and it was totes fun. So many pink balloons, tons of cupcakes, beautiful music, and of course, the free-flowing booze. We met up with Kitten, Blanca, Mattress, ChickenHawk, Gymnast, Cumtroller and a bunch of other homos for a night of revelry and celebration. Any party with cupcakes is a good party in my book.

So, I mentioned that I started to record some quotations, and Internets, let me share them with you:

"My sense of smell is legendary" -- Bill Paxton

"I gotta go out more" -- Selives

"Why did I come home with more money than I left with?" -- Selives

Roommate A: "I'm leaving to go home."
Everyone: "BYE ROOMMATE J!!!"

"...and then we 'slept'" -- Bill Paxton

"No, we took another sleeping pill and really went to bed." -- Bill Paxton

"I love how for my birthday he french kissed me, gave me magnums and put my head in his crotch." -- Selives

"I blot oil, you bitch! It's not makeup!" -- Selives

"I'm poor ... and I'm an addict!" -- Selives

"I don't want your guts all over my outfit!" -- Selives

It was a fun night and some of the songs that I heard ("Gypsy Woman" by Hilary Duff and "Man in the Mirror" by Michael Jackson) definitely helped to make it "special"!

Cause no one can take away your right to fight and...

Panda!!!! is assembling an excel spreadsheet to keep track of the pseudonyms on Chiieew!. I thought it was only prudent before my feeble mind starts to slip and I forget who everyone is!

Meanwhile, I have my iPod on shuffle and it just played "Never Surrender" by Corey Hart!

Grocery list

I woke up this morning with some items that were most definitely not in my apartment when I left last night. In addition to toilet paper, shrimp chips, a carton of eggs, a box of Morningstar fake sausage patties, cantaloupe and cottage cheese, I found ... Tuna Helper! What the HAELL? I don't think I even knew there was such a thing as Tuna Helper!

Internets, the problem is that I barely recollect hitting the grocery store after a fun-filled Friday night with Roommates A & J, Blanca, GarGar, Beetle and Selives.

Just a small town girl living in a lonely world...

I guess it's 80s week in Panda!!!!'s life. Last night, I met Gymnast for a lovely dinner to celebrate (mourn?) his impending move to Londres. Panda!!!! ordered the vanilla-braised, roasted, grilled, double-cut pork-chop, while Gymnast at his usual, succulent baby-back ribs that simply melted off the bone. I admit I had a twinge of order envy, even though my vanilla pig was loverly!

Post-dinner, we went to 80s night at a local tavern and ran into some of Turtle's friends, who demonstrated boy-on-boy dancing (perhaps even in the cage) to the tunes of INXS, Madonna, Prince, etc. Some of the str8folks looked on in horror. Others cheered the gays on. Most ignored our little troupe, and that was fine with us.

The DJ played some of the usual songs, but had a difficult time keeping the music going continuously. Plus, it was a million degrees inside so Panda!!!! had to leave on the early side to return home (Not to mention I was required at The Corporation this morning!).

When I pulled away from our group and walked through the main dancefloor to the exit, hordes of people were screaming the lyrics to "Don't Stop Believin'" Hold on to that feeling, indeed.

I'll be sad when Gymnast heads for the land of tea and crumpets, but I know he's going to have a great time with the learning and the Euro-boyz. I'll have to plan a visit!

Who names their child "Joy-Anna"?

It seems the Duggar family is at it again. These people - Jim Bob and Michelle - have welcomed their 17th child onto this planet.

The family website includes gems such as recipes for tater tot casserole and buttermilk cake with caramel icing (enough to feed an army, of course). Does it come as any surprise that these kids are home schooled?

TO-GA! TO-GA! TO-GA!

Last night, my pal Opera let me know that he had to return home for a "last minute wedding" (shotgun??) and that he'd be leaving town today. Opera had been in town for a few days and was scheduled to play for several more before returning to the middle of the country. So, despite my earlier claims that I would forsake the neighborhood watering holes for a night of netflix, I met him out for a beer.

On Wednesday nights, one of the bars hosts a party called "Frathouse" wherein patrons are encouraged to wear collegiate garb. Why are people so intent on re-capturing the "magic" of frat parties? I never really liked them while in college, and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't last very long at one as a growns-up Panda!!!!.

Well Internets, someone likes frat parties because the place was PACKED! It was fun running into GarGar, Sauvage, Prec and other members of their crew, dancing to TRL staples and meeting birthday boys who bought water for patrons. It was also a treat to see "strippers" and the old men who couldn't stop staring at their gyrations. Also of interest was the little person who dressed as a referee with a bullhorn and force-fed beer down patrons' throats through a funnel.

Despite all that, I'm pretty glad that I don't live in a frathouse.

Champagne wishes and caviar dreams

Mahogany Sparkle's gchat status reminds me that I am not, how do you say, "living the life" here in my cube at The Corporation. But I wonder if I'm getting to be too old to find myself a Sugar-D. If my income were more significant, or if I lived in a developing country, would I be in the Sugar-D category myself? Shudder.

Are you there God? It's me, Panda!!!!

Despite my advancing age, I often feel an affinity for products targeted toward the "young adult" set - 'tweens who should be reading books by Judy Blume, but I suspect these days who just watch MTV and look at celebrity gossip blogs. Evidence of Panda!!!!'s weakness for all things 'tween is my newfound addiction to The N, which is the sudsy nighttime television programming on The Noggin, an "educational" channel for children.

With shows like "Degrassi," "Dawson's Creek," "The Best Years" and the dual crown jewels of "Laguna Beach" and "The Hills," The N has become my go-to channel when MTV is showing "Scarred" or anything with Nick Cannon.

I know the programming is aimed at teenagers who are all angsty and in the midst of self-discovery, but I am easily distracted by these shows. With the exception of the "reality" shows, most have an after-school special feel to them, and I am inspired by these lessons in morality, aimed at preventing me from cheating on my final exams and/or my significant other.